For those of us who weren’t invited to The Walt Disney Company’s earnings call on Tuesday (my invitation got lost in the mail.), CEO Bob Iger, dropped some pretty heavy info, like the fact that they’re “developing ideas and designs for a far greater Star Wars presence in [the Disney] parks.” That roughly translates to “we’re secretly drafting up ideas for a Star Wars Land behind locked doors in the Disney vault.” That’s pretty big news.
There’s been a long-standing rumor that Hollywood Studios at Disney World is getting a Star Wars land. In case Disney is taking suggestions as to what it needs to include in this hypothetically magical place, here’s a short list of things we need to see:
1. An Attraction That’s Not Star Tours
Star Tours is made for Star Wars fans, but it is not made for Star Wars fans who get seasick on waterbeds. We need a ride that is 1) not a simulator, 2) not in 3D, and 3) fun for all ages. Maybe something calm and tame to take us on slow-moving tour of Cloud City? Think, something like Haunted Mansion but with Lando Calrissian instead.
2. An Attraction That’s Not Star Tours But Is Maybe A Roller Coaster
A coaster that jumps to light-speed, and has lots of twists and turns and maybe some loops, like flying in the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon. Really fast, and really fun, with this song as the background music.
3. A HerUniverse Merchandise Shop
For any girl who’s ever wandered into the men’s section of Target in search of the perfect graphic t-shirt, this will be the merchandise shop for you. HerUniverse is run by Ashley Eckstein (who actually voiced a character, Ahsoka Tano, on Cartoon Network’s Clone Wars), and its clothing is directly tailored for girls of all ages who want to wear their fandom proudly. It’s got everything from t-shirts, to dresses, to jewelry. And, they’re reasonably priced!
4. Replica of the Mos Eisley Cantina
If this isn’t included in expansion plans as a working restaurant/bar, we should probably boycott ASAP.
5. Jedi Training Academy for Adults
Sad news, but if you want to be a Jedi padawan-in-training as of now, you have to be under the age of 12 to sign up. That’s the cut off age to perform in a little show where you actually get to wield a light saber and fight Darth Vader. Naturally, grown adults complain about this every day, so how about a space where we grown-up fans can live out our childhood fantasies? That’s not asking too much.
6. Meet & Greets That Aren’t Creepy
Meeting Micky Mouse is hands down a magical experience, but sometimes meeting characters that can actually talk to you is unnerving. You can meet Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia at the parks, but that’s weird, because they’re not played by Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher. Maybe Disney should do away with actually meeting these characters, and stick to meeting characters that don’t have human faces, like Darth Vader and Yoda. Listen, if I’m going to wait 40 plus minutes in a line to meet Han Solo, I kind of expect Harrison Ford to be at the end of it, and anything else is a huge let down.
7. A Hologram Selfie Station
Disney already has the technology to freeze you in carbonite, but now I’d like the opportunity to turn myself into a hologram, preferably one that plays out of R2D2. Hey Disney, you can take all of my money in exchange for this.
8. A Life-Size Star Wars Play Place
For those familiar with Hollywood Studios, you’ll know there’s a giant play place themed to Honey I Shrunk the Kids, which is a movie important to everyone born before 1989. But everyone born after that has never seen it. It’s about time the area gets an update, and a perfect update would be Star Wars. I would very much like my picture next to a giant AT-AT on Hoth.
9. A Skype Booth Directly Connected to JJ Abrams Where You Can Ask Him Questions
I don’t know, just an idea. I have a lot of questions for this man. If he’s not available, I’ll take George Lucas or Natalie Portman as substitutes.
10. Anything Ben Wyatt Would Like:
Did I miss anything? What kind of theme park food would you want to see in this land? Should the bathrooms be separated by Sith and Non-Sith? Discuss.