10 Things You Don’t Want in Your Trick-or-Treat Bag

Social standards dictate that a 20-year-old shouldn’t go trick-or-treating because they are “too old” and that it is getting “kind of creepy” and they need to “throw away that green Power Rangers costume that they have had for seven years.”

Though I do not agree with such assertions, I will reluctantly comply. (Except for the Power Rangers costume. That will live forever!)

As I look back on my years of trick-or-treating I reminisce about the good times (i.e. Snickers) but also I also recall the disappointments that were inevitability on that hallowed night of October 31st.

Here are a few of those disappointments:

1. Pencils

The disgruntled jerks who hand out pencils on Halloween to all the unsuspecting children are pretty much saying, “You know all the fun you’re having tonight? Ya? Well, tomorrow you will all be back in school, probably using this very pencil. So soak it up now kids because when the real world hits, it hits hard.”

2. Fruit Snacks

Fruit snacks inhabit a weird confectionary limbo. Not yet a candy, but still not a fruit.

I like my Halloween treats to be definitive. Good, bad or otherwise, I want them to know what they are and never apologize for it.

3. Erasers

Slightly better than pencils but still worse than most everything else.

Halloween erasers come in fun topical shapes, but as far as functionality is concerned they are lacking. The bat and/or mummy and/or pumpkin that I am rubbing all over my spelling test is unable to expunge the extra “n” that I accidentally put in banana, but it is leaving me with a serious case of anxiety and a large black smudge over what used to be “bananan.”

4. Business Cards

I would sometimes get people’s business cards attached to my Halloween candy, and as a kid I was like, “Man, why is RE/MAX realtor John Johnson giving me his information? I’m eight. I don’t wanna be saddled with a mortgage until I at least know how to do long division. Plus my credit isn’t anywhere near it needs to be for such a considerable purchase.”

I was a very fiscally aware 8-year-old.

5. Necco Waffers

Don’t know what these are? Ya, neither does anyone.

I like to think of them as the weird nephew to Tums and the awkward stepdad of those candy heart things.

6. Raisins

Nature’s candy my a**.

7. Black Licorice

As the profane love child of Willy Wonka and death, itself, Black Licorice is the most hated candy that has ever come into being.

Those that claim to like the taste of such a monstrosity– more likely than not– lack any sort of common sense and all semblance of humanity.

8. A Spider

9. Popcorn

This is my calculated thought process behind this claim: Popcorn comes from kernels and these kernels come from stalks of corn, and corn is a vegetable. So, through the transitive property, when you hand out popcorn on Halloween you are actually handing out a vegetable.

You can’t argue with math, people.

10. Toothbrush

Seeing that dental device lying amongst all of the sugary snacks that lace the bottom of your pillowcase has the tendency to induce greater existential musings. It forces you to think about what lies beyond that night, and those few hours of pure ecstasy.

The inevitable pain and tooth decay that may lay ahead. The deceased goldfish. The first heartbreaks. The income taxes.

But then… you see a box of pink Nerds and you’re all good.

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