Corinne Caputo
May 19, 2013 9:00 am

Earlier this month, a woman in Sacramento hit a police officer with the hopes that the action would send her to jail. Not many people want to be sent to prison, but her logic was that in prison she would be forced to quit smoking and finally kick the habit. You guys, she hit a cop so that she wouldn’t smoke anymore! At first I thought, “Well… that’s actually insane,” but then I realized it’s actually a pretty good idea. I mean, I don’t condone assaulting a police officer, of course, but wouldn’t life be so much easier if there were quick fixes to breaking bad habits?

Do you find yourself eating too much junk food? There is an easy solution to this. First, replace all of your cabinets with gym lockers. Then, once the lockers are installed, you can place padlocks on all of the doors, therefore denying you access to your treats.

If you have trouble being  clean, date someone who has a weak immune system and can only be in clean places. That way you will always keep your room clean because if you don’t, your partner will literally die.

The best solution to this is to always have your keys on you. You should pierce your belly button and attach your key to the hoop so you never forget where you put them. Just remember to keep it clean so you don’t get an infection.

Do you procrastinate? Do you find yourself playing around on the internet instead of doing work? Are you reading this post instead of writing your final paper or doing some laundry? Well, you can easily stop procrastination by hiring an assassin who has permission to kill you if you ever go on reddit or even HelloGiggles instead of staying focused.

I know that I am incredibly guilty of this. It’s just so easy to buy new dresses! It’s easy to fix this, though. All you need to do is purchase everything. Buy everything you see until there is nothing left to buy. Problem solved.

Do you find yourself checking Twitter or Facebook every five minutes? The best way to break this habit is by severing all relationships with your friends and family. Don’t say goodbye, just cut them out and take up hobbies like camping or swimming or bird watching or anything that you have to do outside.

If you find yourself getting too angry too quickly you can fix this by channeling your rage into song. Join a musical theater company and start singing!

This is a deplorable habit to have. There are some people in the world without fresh water, so wasting it is absurd! You can break this habit by taping pictures of thirsty people all over your bathroom that way you feel so guilty about having access to nice things that you’ll fall into a depression and never waste water again.

If you’re always running late, the best way to fix this is by sneaking out one night in all black, calling yourself the Time Thief, and changing everyone’s clocks back an hour.

Every time you say something mean to yourself or any time you doubt yourself you have to say five nice things about yourself (this is actually a good solution to a bad habit so I recommend taking it seriously)

Featured image via ShutterStock.

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