Guys, I have a problem. I truly believe that I might be obsessed with television. After all, I kind of list TV as a “hobby” when people ask. Some of my closest friends have entered my life based on a common adoration of a TV show. Other friendships have grown stronger, based on bonding over episode discussions. Is it pathetic? Well – maybe just a tiny bit. (I mean, I’m not asking for a round of applause based on my admittance of being a junkie.)
If you feel like you may fit the mold, here are ten ways you’ll know for sure.
1. You cancel plans with your friends on the night your show is on.
Because you are your own person. You like to eat shrimp wrapped in bacon on Thursday nights, in honor of Ron Swanson. It’s what you do, in lieu of a bi-weekly manicure.
Also, you know that if you don’t watch it live, that kid that sat behind you in geometry class during sophomore year of high school might spoil it for you on Facebook. Not on purpose, but he’s been known to do it before, and you just don’t have the heart to block his feed from your timeline.
2. …Even if you have TiVo.
You know it’s there, but you also know that you won’t have the brainpower at 11 PM to fully immerse yourself in the show. You might miss jokes, or feel like you need to speed through it in order to go to bed at a decent hour. Plus, you already made plans to re-watch it tomorrow, after enough people posted their individual opinions on the forum you read.
3. You mouth hurts from smiling, when your two favorite characters kiss for the first time. Possibly because you’ve never smiled that hard in your life.
You ship, and you ship hard. For some reason, when Rory got her first kiss from Dean and ended up accidentally stealing a box of corn starch, you understood that awkward and embarrassing feeling.
You, at that moment, were Rory. And Dean was some dude who you had forgotten about prior to the episode airing, but now remember was totally a Dean. That kiss was a win for you. You can’t explain why – it just was. And don’t even get me started on Lane and Dave Rygalski.
4. You can remember the titles of each episode, without using Google.
It could be based on staring at your DVD episode menu a billion times, but you can not only recall what season the episode aired, but the exact name of it. Sure, “The One With The East German Laundry Detergent” isn’t the catchiest name, but it sticks in your head as one of your absolute favorite Friends episodes of season 1. Also, it somehow romanticized laundromats for you.
5. You compare your friends to characters on your favorite show – when, in reality, they’re nothing alike.
While I personally never watched Sex In The City, I know that a ton of people related to the female cast. And a few gravitated towards one character that they felt they were like – or at least, wanted to be like and convinced themselves otherwise. (There’s absolutely nothing wrong with this, by the way. It just means the characters of your favorite show are really well written. So says the television addict..)
6. Most of your favorite new musical artists were discovered based on your favorite show.
You don’t depend on the radio for music anymore – you depend on television. And thankfully, so many shows today have soundtracks, which equate to your new favorite mix. Not only can you appreciate the song, but you can appreciate the visuals that accompanied the song when it aired on television.
I couldn’t un-hear this song by Wax Fang after it aired on American Dad!
7. You try to avoid spoilers, but read them anyway.
You don’t want to know what happens. You want to wait till that day when you blew off your friends to watch it exactly when the rest of your timezone does. But … have you seen Michael Ausiello’s twitter recently? Since he hinted about something happening on Bones, and was kind enough to post a link to the story. But you won’t click it, because – ugh. You clicked it by accident. And since you’ve already watched 5 seconds of a sidebar ad, you may as well scroll down to see what he has to say.
8. You’ve lost an entire Saturday based on a marathon. Also, this seems to happen most Saturdays.
Sure, many of my friends and co-workers have mocked me for watching Arrested Development Season 4 in its entirety over a holiday weekend, but know what? Losing feelings in my legs was totally worth it. Since I felt like I understood more of the full story. Since Arrested Development is great in marathon form, darn it. Otherwise so many jokes get lost. Also, I was waiting just about forever for the season to air, so let me enjoy my holiday my own way!
9. Summer is one of your least favorite seasons.
RIP, new episodes. Sure, new shows might crop up, but premiering in the hot months is already a red flag for you. You can only hope that Hulu and Netflix can churn out some more original broadcasts that’ll keep you occupied while everyone else is at the beach. The beach is overrated, anyway. But know what isn’t? Orange Is The New Black.
10. Not only do you watch the show, but you know everything about the actors and actresses on the show. And also, the writers. Maybe also the people who direct each episode.
When I saw that Mindy Kaling wrote an episode of The Office, I knew it’d be good. No matter if it was in a post-Michael Scott season. She knew the characters, and how to create funny situations with them. All it took was that opening credit for me to deem the episode worthy. Those who are TV obsessed know the inner core of the shows they love – they know where it was filmed, and what goes on behind the camera. They also are prone to watch an episode on DVD, and then watch the same episode again – this time, with commentary. And they know the best commentary comes from the actors, and not the guy at food service. Even though we all appreciate the special role he plays.
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