Mia Galuppo
December 29, 2013 9:00 am

So it’s the “holiday time”, and “holiday time” is synonymous for “free time,” which is a euphemism for “TV time” and by “TV time”, I mean Netflix all day until your eyes bleed from sheer overuse.

But, guys, I have a problem. I think I have reached the edge of Netflix. I know what you’re thinking: “But Mia, that is impossible.” To which I say, “No. No, it is not.”

I am all caught up Breaking Bad and Mad Men and Orange is the New Black and Archer and Arrested Development and a whole mess of other shows that are too numerous to list and would require too much of my time to fully type out. So, I am on a quest for a big girl hobby. Top runners are learning Spanish, glass blowing, hiking local canyons or croissants. I think I could be a really great croissant connoisseur, but only time will tell.

Below are signs that you, too, may be in need of a new hobby.

1. You are more proficient in finding .gif sets than you are in a second language.

Now is the time to invest in some language learning software like Rosetta Stone or Google Translate. For a more immersive experience, might I suggest trying to attract a foreign boyfriend?

2. You have to use Theasaurus.com to sound more intelligible.

My rock bottom was when I Googled “a synonym for the word synonym”.

The best way to learn new words is to come in contact with new words, and words live in books. So, through my skills of deduction, that I have procured while watching seasons one and two of Sherlock, I should look at more books. Book-looking will be my new hobby. I will start with Dickens or Hemingway. They are nice and wordy.

3. Your dinner is consistently co-produced by Stouffer’s.

You could become Rachael Ray’s new best friend or the adopted child of Martha Stewart, but I think both of those require legal action. So, in the meantime, grab a cookbook, close your eyes, open up to a random page and try it out. Unless you landed on something icky, in which case, screw fate and consciously plan out your meal.

4. Your resting heart rate reads like a batting average.

“Movement is key to survival.”

Brad Pitt said this in World War Z, but I think it is applicable to life outside the zombie apocalypse. Try throwing a Frisbee or dust off those Heelies; the world is our playground! Or is the world a stage. Or is it an oyster?

5. You have forgotten how to work a zipper.

If your current hobby keeps you in your home all day long, then who needs pants, right? Wrong. Anyone over the age of six needs pants. Anyone over the age of six with hobbies needs pants. If you are an adult and you are over the age of six and you have a hobby that requires you to leave your home then you need pants. Unless your new hobby is crocheting, in which case forget the pants!

6. Your last big DIY project involved shrinky dinks.

It was THE craft of the early 2000s. I still have a miniature basketball necklace I made at Kaitlin Hammilton’s eighth grade back-to-school party. If you haven’t tried making anything since your “if you can think ’em you can shrink ’em days,” then stretch those creative muscles. Maybe a necklace out of a real basketball? (Admittedly, the logistics of a NBA regulation basketball necklace may prove to be a little difficult.)

7. The only legitimate instrument you play is the recorder.

This fifth grade staple did not age as well as your pre-pubescent self thought it would. It’s bad enough when a guy at a party breaks out a guitar and starts playing Jeff Buckley, now imagine this scenario but in place of the guitar there is a recorder.

8. Your garden looks like it belongs in a Tim Burton stop-motion film.

The prominent color scheme is brown and grey and brown, and you can’t go too near it out of fear for your own life. Gardening could be a nice hobby.

9. You have forgotten how to ride a bike.

I know what you’re thinking: “But, Mia, that is impossible.” Again, I will attest, saying, “No. No, it is not.”

You may not walk up to a bike and try and sit on it backwards, but it is possible that your legs no longer remember the proper speed at which the bike will stay both mobile and upright.

10. You haven’t made anything out of Legos recently.

Legos should be everyone’s number one hobby. Legos are America’s hobby.

Featured image via, and via, via, via, via, via

Advertisement