Rosie Stoff
December 12, 2013 4:00 pm

Santa’s making a list… and he’s checking it twice!

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Well, that is, if you were a good girl or boy in 2013. For the rest of you little devils, no presents in beautiful wrapped boxes for you! Be expecting a lump of coal – sorry to be the bearer of bad news. However, if you aren’t sure on which list your antics of the year put you on, here are some good reasons you might just be on Santa’s Naughty List. We can’t all be perfect all the time! Some indecencies are justifiable, others just make you naughty to the bone.

1. You ignored a friend’s Kickstarter.

Here is the reason you are a horrible person and are going right on Santa’s Naughty List in Sharpie. You straight up ignored a friend’s courage and ambition in reaching out to strangers on the Internet to help fulfill a dream or help a cause. You saw it on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, an email or heard about it in person, and you ignored it. Therefore you sucked. You were just terrible. Nobody said you needed to donate more than you could afford! Any few dollars would have been appreciated by a real friend seeking you out.

2. You had the mouth of a sailor.

I am 100% guilty of this flaw and I am desperately trying to cut back on my dirty, filthy mouth. I am an avid curser. Oh yes, there are your typical curse words, those four letter foes, but my specialty is spitting out foul new ones. Let’s all try and cut back on the obscenities next year! It isn’t doing anyone any good. Yes, a stubbed toe might deserve one or two, but we never saw Grace Kelly cursing, did we? I don’t think she was dropping mad f-bombs as Princess of Monaco. You may have attempted to curb your cursing tendencies, and if so, well, maybe that reserved you a spot on the nice list. However, if you were cursing without hesitation in front of children… naughty, naughty you!

3. It’s Gossip GIRL not Gossip WOMAN… for a reason!

By age 23, I thought gossip among friends would be a thing of the past, unfortunately I was wrong. This is one thing that will land you pretty close to the top of Santa’s Naughty List, closely following theft, adultery and twerking. Yes, we saw all the Real Housewives gossiping behind each others backs and they are grown women. Is that who you wanted to emulate in 2013? Really?! Get your priorities straight for 2014. Let’s make an attempt at being nice rather than naughty ladies, ladies.

4. You said YOLO and other such terms.

You say YOLO more than once, I roll my eyes and seriously reconsider our friendship. There are some terms that should have been put to rest in 2013, YOLO being one of them, along with swag, nom and derp. You will be put on the Naughty List for simply doing a disservice to yourself. You have made yourself look to others as if you have the IQ of a bucket of KFC. Rotten KFC.

5. You twerked.

It has been four months since twerking entered the public’s vocabulary and was a true eyesore to all those with the sense of sight. I hope you didn’t partake in the fad. Okay, trying it once in front of the mirror in the privacy of your own home was mildly acceptable. JUST ONCE, only to ease the curiosity burning a gaping hole in your mind. In public? ‘Tis a lump of coal for you, my dear!

6. You overshared on social media.

Please, for the sake of all those following you on any medium of social media, don’t abuse the power of sharing. Oversharing is a crime; am I the only one that thinks a fine is a suitable solution? Please don’t take over my Instagram feed with selfies, my Twitter feed with meal updates and reviews and Facebook with meaningless statuses. You will be on Santa’s Naughty List because he, too, is annoyed and wants to displease you due to your social media presence. Also, more than one hashtag? That’s a big bump off the Nice List and onto the Naughty!

7. You disrespect your service workers.

I’ve seen it countless times and I don’t think the epidemic will ever stopped without a revolution. Let’s hope you were civil and friendly to those men and women who gave you manicures and pedicures! Let me set the scene: last week I was getting a manicure on a casual Tuesday at lunch time, where I decided to sit beside a seemingly sweet elderly woman also having her nails done. She was not satisfied with the shape of her nails, not at all. She wanted oval, I wanted oval. And apparently to her, only I was getting oval. Now, I’m not picky; I didn’t care if I was getting round, oval or some shape only Dr. Seuss could come up with, as long as it wasn’t square. This woman – never got her name besides the fact she was a New Yorker here in LA visiting her grandson (she was a chatty one once she got the shape she demanded) – ended up having the woman doing my nails give the woman doing hers a full tutorial on the art of oval nails. Not only is she definitely going on Santa’s Naughty List, but straight to hell. The two go hand in hand, I believe.

8. You were lazy and lost touch.

Here is how you majorly landed yourself on Santa’s Naughty List…you lost touch with a friend who moved away because you were simply too lazy to keep in touch. Sloth, or laziness, is one of the seven deadly sins! Losing touch with friends after college or high school is a real shame. Especially when it’s obviously your fault. Return a text! Send a friendly “hiya” or Snapchat! It takes two seconds and lets an old friend in a new city know they are on their mind. Blatantly ignoring people because they aren’t in close proximity anymore will send you straight to the dreaded Naughty List

9. You didn’t have public etiquette.

This one is real simple, folks. Maybe the simplest of them all. However, surprisingly, it’s not common sense to some of the upright animals we live amongst. Don’t talk in the movies, be a quiet neighbor, drive like a human rather than a snail or a cheetah (there is an in between!), don’t go into work if you are contagious with an ailment, be hygienic, just be a decent human. Please, I beg of you. And if you don’t, it will most definitely have been me reporting you to the North Pole for being just the worst. Not even coal or socks for you – that’s just too good, you get chewed up gum on the bottom of all your shoes. You deserve it.

10. You were a frowning foe.

Yawns are contagious; we all know that is basically a fact. But frowns? Those are, too. You left your house with a sour attitude and that frown isn’t benefiting anyone. Stay home! You didn’t smile at someone on the street; it’s just starting the chain of frowning and people having a genuinely disgusting day. You were in a mood, having a day. Just one of those days. And someone was kind enough and being a human and smiled at you! What did you do? Snarled, snapped, barked. I’m perfectly aware you aren’t a dog, but you essentially acted like one. Not only are you most definitely on Santa’s Naughty List, you might just deserve to be there next year also. This might be a 2 Christmases punishment situation.

Featured image via ShutterStock

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