Gina Vaynshteyn
December 15, 2013 1:00 pm

Wednesday is my favorite night of the week because I get to cuddle up with some veggie chips, unwind, and indulge in one of the craziest, most out-there shows on TV. Who is going to be brought back from the dead this time? Is anyone else’s head going to be delivered in a box? When is Stevie Nicks going to guest star already? This season has been amazing, but AHS as a whole has proved itself to be one of the greatest shows, ever. If you need any more convincing, here are some reasons:

1. It’s not actually scary.

We all know that the scariest part of American Horror Story is the opening credits (see: mutilated babies, mouths being sewn shut with thread), but the episodes themselves are more shockingly creepy than scary. So, if you’re trying to convince a friend to watch AHS and they’re all, “I don’t like horror movies!”, they can’t actually use this as an excuse.

2. It celebrates strong women with flaws.

Every single season introduces distinct female characters who are defined primarily by the way they reject normative female ideals or the way they deal with betrayal. These women aren’t perfect; in fact they’re far from. Take Sister Jude’s character in Asylum. She was mean to the bone, manipulative, vengeful and a relapsing alcoholic.  But she fought against men who tried to dethrone her just because she was a woman. She certainly didn’t go without a fight. This season’s collection of bad-ass witches exemplifies my point perfectly. Each witch is plagued by some kind of flaw, and whether it’s hollowness (Madison) or, no pun intended, blinding love (Cordelia), these ladies know how to protect themselves and each other.

3. It’s sexy.

Expect to watch at least four to five intense sex scenes per season. It’s no Game of Thrones, and no, there’s no nudity (it’s FX) but it comes close and Ryan Murphy pushes it until he can’t push any more. Whether it’s a threesome, sketchy sex in an abandoned mental institution or mysterious S&M, just know that AHS doesn’t shy away from horrific sex.

4. There is a new theme every season. 

Close to the end of each season, Ryan Murphy lets his fans know that if they watch an episode very closely, they might be able to detect a hint to next season’s theme. First season’s clue was Billie Dean Howard’s soliloquy about how an environment can really screw a person up and make them evil. Second season’s clue about Coven was in the song ‘I Put a Spell on You’. Ryan Murphy was recently interviewed about season three’s hint, which he says will probably be in episode 11. He also stated that the setting for season four might be in New Orleans or Sante Fe, and that it will not be contemporary. The excitement!!

5. It’s multi-dimensional.

American Horror Story is never JUST a show about witches, aliens or haunted houses. It illustrates society’s worst fears, pushes buttons about contemporary race, gender and socioeconomic issues.  It makes you think. It’s brilliant and exactly what American television needs.

6. The score is on point.

The soundtrack for every single season is amazing. Just to list a few songs:

“Special Death” by Mirah in season 1, “You Don’t Own Me” by Leslie Gore in season 2 and “Edge of Seventeen” and “Rhiannon” by Fleetwood Mac for this season.

Sister Mary Eunice’s Performance of You Don’t Own Me from kerruh13 on Vimeo.

7. Tessa Farmiga and Evan Peters make the best effed up Romeo and Juliet.

Yeah, yeah, I know. I’ve read Shakespeare. I know that Romeo isn’t a mass murderer or frat boy brought back from the dead and Juliet may have been broody but she certainly couldn’t ever kill anyone with her vagina. I’m taking gracious liberties when I make this claim, but these two are the best star-crossed lovers on T.V. I’m glad Ryan Murphy brought back the romance this season.

8. It never ceases to be hilarious.

The one-liners are killer (again, no pun intended). Here are my favorites this season:

“Don’t make me drop a house on you” –Fiona

“Everybody here is a witch. I’m so sorry. Please don’t send us to jail” –Zoe

“You could offer me a unicorn that shit hundred dollar bills and I’s still never give you nothing more than a headache” –Marie

“The world isn’t going to miss a bunch of assholes in Ed Hardy t-shirts” –Fiona

“I grew up on white girl sh*t, like Charmed and Sabrina the teenage cracker” –Queenie

9. Some characters are based on real people.

Delphine and Marie Laveau were real people who really were rumored to be either psychopaths or voodoo witches (respectively). Season 2’s Anne Frank and sadistic doctor Dr. “Arden” were based on historical figures from the Holocaust. And the first season had plenty of references to famous Hollywood murder cases.

10. Two words: Jessica Lange

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