Erin Mallory Long
May 05, 2013 11:00 am

I’m assuming that since people first began comparing their bodies to other people’s that there were crazy weight loss products. There were probably some crazy weight loss products involving mastodon tusks or something way back when, you know?

Now, one way to look like you’re using a crazy weight loss product is to put yourself into some crazy Spanx. But what if the Spanx themselves helped you lose weight? Well, that’s a question I certainly didn’t need asked, but this French lingerie brand asked that and then made some. And they are first on our list of 10 Crazy Weight Loss Products.

1. Caffeine-Infused Shapewear

So, okay, let’s get into this: this line of shapewear is caffeine-infused and claims to break down cellulite while you wear them.

Look, I love caffeine. I work in TV, so sometimes I LIVE on caffeine and while I sometimes think, “How could I just have a constant stream of caffeine in me?” I know, logically that wouldn’t be a great idea. I mean, I saw what Jessie Spano went through on caffeine pills, you know?

2. The Vibrating Belt Machine

Guys, this is one of my favorite ones. I remember thinking about this as a kid and how fun it looked.

See? That dude is having the best time. The idea behind this “vibrating belt machine” (I’m not even going to tell you what I tried Googling to find this picture before thinking about “vibrating belt machine”) is that you stand there inside the belt, the belt shakes against you and your fat like, shakes off?

Seems reasonable to me!

3. The Space Age Slenderizer

Speaking of ways to look super cool… you know how you get mylar to wrap yourself in after you run a marathon? (Okay, I’ve never run a marathon but my aunt and uncle have so I’ve seen these things.) Well, this is basically a mylar suit that holds in your heat and makes you lose weight just hanging out. And looking awesome, I might add.

4. Face Bra

I love Ally McBeal, and I also love Jane Krakowski, so I was very obsessed with the idea of the face bra when it appeared on Ally McBeal.

Now, this isn’t a weight loss thing so much an as anti-aging thing, but I’m so obsessed with the face bra it had to be included. But did you know it became a real product that people other than TV characters could wear?

Who wouldn’t want to wear this on their face? Bonkers! I guess it’s easier than wrapping an ACE bandage around your head every day but still…

5. Waist Belt System

My favorite part of all of these products is when they say “melts weight off!” I mean, obviously weight melting off is my dream but it’s just not real life, you guys.

Here was another cool thing you could wear to melt weight off – The Waist Belt System! Perfect! The concept of this one is based on wearing a wet suit, taking it off and having your pants be too loose! I mean, I’ve never worn a wet suit but I assume just wearing the wet suit doesn’t make you lose weight but perhaps the activities you do IN a wet suit make you lose weight. Just a thought.

6. Neckline Slimmer

This is one of my favorite products just in general. The idea is absolutely hilarious to me.

There are many neckline slimming products out there, actually. That is a picture of a woman enjoying a Neck Genie Elite. The idea is that is slims your neckline. You put this thing under your chin and do what are essentially chin sit ups and then blammo, your neck is slimmer!

I can’t handle this.

7. Nordic Track

This is particularly exciting to me because not only have I USED a Nordic Track, we even OWNED one. (I mean, it might still live in the basement, I have no idea.)

The point is, no one looks cool on a Nordic Track. Seriously, it’s the nerdiest workout thing I’ve ever seen. I mean, I understand the concept of it and I’m sure it maybe provides some sort of fitness benefits but I’ve never experienced any of them.

I really just think Nordic Tracks are funny.

8. Thigh Master

Speaking of hilarious workout things here’s a Thigh Master and Suzanne Somers.

Before I ever saw Three’s Company, I knew Suzanne Somers from Step By Step and the Thigh Master. (Ditto Patrick Duffy except I’ve still never seen Dallas.)

I’ve never used a Thigh Master but boy do I want to. It looks amazing and so fun. Again, sorry, I guess this isn’t a weight loss product but more of a work out product but I still love it.

9. The Ab Roller

Alright, I’ve gotten into a weird flow in this list of hilarious workout stuff. But here’s the Ab Roller.

I think I almost bought one of these in college one night and then somehow thought better of it.

Michael Scott did not think better of it, of course. I’m sure this, sued properly, might help your sit ups? I don’t know. It always looked like there was no resistance to me. Who knows.

10. Calorie Breath Weight Loss Program

This is my favorite one.

Do I know what this packaging says? No. But I’ve learned that it’s something about blowing into this and then your stomach shrinking and you being skinnier. So that’s pretty fun. Hope it works!

Guys, maybe we should all just kind of try to stay active instead of relying on anything on this list.

(Main image via ShutterStock, Caffeine shapewear image via, Jessie Spano gif via tumblr, vibrating belt image via, Space Age Slenderizer via, Ally McBeal pic via, face bra via, Waist Belt System pic via, neckline slimmer image via, Nordic track image via, Thigh Master image via, Ab Roller pic via)

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