The pros and cons of fame as understood by a non-famous person

What is the opposite of famous? “So unheard of as to become virtually non-existent?” That’s what I am. This has been a point of sadness for me at times, because I was born with a strange, burning desire to be known by the whole world, which is an odd paradox because I’m also cripplingly shy. Whenever I honestly consider the realities of a famous life, I realize it would potentially kill me within a week.  It actually takes a specific human design to be able to handle fame without buckling under the pressure. My constitution is such that I suspect I would buckle hard and fast when pushed out into the limelight. But then I remember the glamour and thrill of fame that I’ve seen up close but never fully experienced, and I can’t help but crave it. Here is where I’ll weigh out the pros and cons of fame, as understood by me, a non-famous person.

•Con: Makeup/Getting Ready

I don’t really understand makeup.  It’s a huge hassle and I SO MUCH prefer getting up and leaving the house without the tedious process of painting another face onto my face.  If you’re famous (and a girl), you not only have to make sure you look nice before leaving the house, but you also have to get your makeup done by professionals all the time for photo shoots and red carpets and things like that.  I’m sure it’s fun getting dolled up and looking fancy, but the whole process can take hours and I know that personally I would get anxious and existential during the whole thing.

•Pro: You get invited to parties where Lana Del Rey is also a guest

When you’re famous you get invited to elaborate parties in Bel Air where there are fire breathers and elephants in cages and things like that.  Only very IMPORTANT people are at these parties, and everyone goes around introducing each other casually and it’s sort of being like on Mount Olympus I think? When you’re famous and at one of these parties, you might see a girl in a pretty dress walking down the stairs and realize it’s Lana Del Rey and then say something clever to her and end up being friends for life.

•Con: Having to wake up early/traveling too much

Oh my God, days when I have to wake up before 9:00am. It’s literally hell. I get in the shower and cry and hold myself and often fall back asleep with water cascading over my face, which is dangerous. Celebrities have to do this all the time. Whether you’re famous from TV, movies, music or all of the above, you definitely have to be up early a lot of the time, because the show always has to go on, even if you drank a little too much Zzzquil the night before. Then there is getting on an airplane. When you’re famous you have to fly all over the place for filming or autograph signing, Sometimes when you’re famous you’ll land at LAX, sleep in your mansion, and then have to be right back at LAX the next morning! I like to pretend that I’ve conquered my fear of flying, but I actually haven’t, so that’s not good for me.

•Pro: Backstage Passes to Lana Del Rey Shows

This past Saturday I went to see Lana Del Rey perform at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery. The show was phenomenal, Lana was beautiful and transcendent as always, and I fell in love with her all over again (which I do most days).  But nothing is perfect. There was this obnoxious camera attached to an accordion type thing that kept stretching out in front of the stage at different angles to get the whole thing on video. This blocked my view multiple times and I got kind of mad.  I kept thinking about how if I were famous this wouldn’t be an issue. If I were famous I could easily obtain backstage passes and spend the whole time in a VIP section where Lana would be 100% visible. I would get to hang out with her after the show and then probably go back to where she’s staying at Chateau Marmont to drink champagne by the pool while talking about God, sex, death, eternity, America, acrylic nails, daddy issues and most importantly, fame.

•Con: People say they hate you all the time, which is really insane if you think about it. 

People love to hate celebrities, just ask Lana Del Rey.  One bad performance on Saturday Night Live and people are actually saying, “I hate Lana Del Rey.” Similarly, for every “I love Taylor Swift” you will hear a “I hate Taylor Swift.” This is actually crazy. When you’re famous, people don’t know you, and yet they find a way to hate you. As someone who is prone to depression and shaky self-confidence, this would really get to me. If I were famous I would read about people hating me and end up spending weeks writing personalized letters to everyone explaining why they should please not hate me.  P.S. Think about it next time you say you hate a celebrity. . . what are you really trying to say? Say that instead.

•Pro: Your agent can talk to Lana Del Rey’s agent and you two can collaborate on something. Like maybe, for example, she can write the music for your movie or TV show.

One thing I know for sure about famous people is that they have agents.  Agents do a lot of the work when it comes to bridging gaps and forming bonds between two celebrities.  Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston met because their agents got together and decided the two should be introduced, for example. I wrote a TV show pilot that I really want Lana Del Rey to do the music for (or at least give me permission to use “Ride”), but I don’t have an agent to talk to her agent about it. So now, just because I’m not famous, I’m going to have to do the music myself or something, which will make it 100% less haunting and spectacular than if Lana did it.

•Pro: Someone really famous can perform at your wedding if you want. For example, Lana Del Rey

Of all the celebrities, Kim Kardashian is one that I am probably the least jealous of. But Lana Del Rey performed at her wedding and as far as I am concerned that is as good as it gets in this life. The second I become famous I am going to book Lana Del Rey to perform at my wedding, whether or not I have someone to marry.

So, as you can see, it turns out that the pros outweigh the cons. Being famous is difficult sometimes, but what isn’t? The full honest truth is that I really want to be famous but I also want to sleep a lot. I also basically want to have 24/7 access to Lana Del Rey. That’s not too much to ask for, right?

(Image via Shutterstock)