The most perfect ‘Portlandia’ characters, ranked

The fifth season of Portlandia, Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein’s IFC sketch comedy show that hysterically and mercilessly skewers hipster culture, is coming to TV sets and computer screens near you tonight (like, tonight tonight). To celebrate the return of the show that made us all feel awkward about ordering free-range chicken at restaurants, here’s a countdown of our favorite recurring characters from the series, ranked by how fully obsessed we are with them.

8.) Fred and Carrie

Fred and Carrie are normal-ish (at least, when placed within the context of the other Portlandia denizens) but they have a couple of quirks up their sleeves . . . including being best friends with the mayor.

7.) Bryce and Lisa

If Etsy were a couple, it would be Bryce and Lisa. The duo was brilliantly responsible for the sketch-heard-round-the-world, “Put a bird on it.” Also, they can pickle ANYTHING.

6.) Peter and Nance

They basically can’t participate in any activity you couldn’t accurately describe as “artisanal.” They open up a bed and breakfast in their home, and they were responsible for the now-famous “Can you tell me more about this chicken?” restaurant incident.

5.) Kath and Dave

Kath and Dave are an “outdoorsy” and “well-traveled” couple (BIG TIME air quotes, you guys), who are lightyears away from being the experts they think they are. But what they lack in actual knowledge or skill, they SUPER make up for in confidence.

4.) Spike and Iris

The most counterculture couple in the history of ever, Spike and Iris really struggled to throw a wedding in which they did not observe one single wedding tradition.

3.) Nina and Lance

Armisen plays the ultra-femme and high maintenance Nina and Brownstein the super-masculine Lance, a couple whose stories poke fun at gender norms and whose safe word “cacao” almost ruins their relationship.

2.) Vintage Clothing Store Owner

I think Fred Armisen only played this mean Buffalo Exchange employee for like, one sketch, but we super need more of him and his cackling Girl Friday fellow employee in season five because ALL THE LAUGHS, you guys.

1.) Toni and Candace

THE FEMINIST BOOKSTORE OWNERS. These characters ARE Portlandia. Never have humorless characters been so funny. Just don’t point to anything in the store, because pointing reminds these ladies of penises.

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