Nothin’ Wrong With a Little (Solo) Bump n’ Grind

There are some things that a sophisticated woman like myself should just not be expected to live without: cheese platters, Seamless, nail art, ASOS and sexercise. I’m talkin’ about twinkling your little star. The ol’ two finger tango. Stirring up the honey pot. At this point you may be saying, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on… I understand where you’re going with this, but enough with the euphemisms, I GET IT.” Well you see, I’ve kind of taken on a bit of a personal challenge with this piece here. I’m going to try to broaden your vaginal horizons today by working in as many metaphors for female masturbation as I possibly can. Why?

It’s International Clitoris Awareness Week and May is National Masturbation Month!

Pass it on to all your guy friends, ladieeees! Let’s see how many squeamish man-children we can make uncomfortable this week while celebrating our glorious lady bits. I don’t know about you, but I’m getting pretty damn sick of being told that my vagina is ~taboo~ in any way and what’s more, I’m DEFINITELY and FOR SURE 100% done with dudes being the only ones allowed to talk about their private, one-night stints as DJ Diddles. Listen, this may not seem like it means much, but having an International Clitoris Awareness week is a big ass deal. For centuries women have been shamed for twirlin’ the pearl – told that it’s dirty, unnatural, perverted. Then there’s the religious nuts that, by some seriously f**ked up logic that defies me, tell us we’re going to the fiery pits of hell if we even dare to think about masturbating. Welp. See you all in the great furnace of wrath – I’ll bring the margaritas!

There is some seriously insane s**t that was considered MEDICALLY ACCURATE in the early 1800s. In fact, up until 1952, the female sex drive was referred to (by the American Psychiatric Association… made up of DOCTORS) as a disease called Hysteria. Yeah. Getting our panties wet was considered a disease. Well, thank the baby Jesus we’re all cured of that one.

Basically, lack of sexual education = a sexually repressed female population and I’m just not cool with it. Visiting the safety deposit box in your drawers was once thought to cause a whole mess of illnesses, including jaundice, blindness and premature death. Thanks, Victorian patriarchy, you really know how to make a girl feel special. Doctors even declared sexual arousal dangerous to a woman’s mental balance. Which, alright… I guess I can see where these hopelessly ignorant old men were coming from. Y’all know I’ve been horny enough to drive two hours to see a jump-off who only texted me after midnight, but for the love of God, get reeeeal. Unfortunately, all this vaginal fear didn’t just drop off in the ’50s.. In 1994, your boy Bill Clinton fired the first African-American surgeon general (and all around feminist badass) Jocelyn Elders for having the audacity to suggest that maybe, just MAYBE, masturbation is simply a part of human sexuality and should be taught in classrooms, right alongside the standard bit about rolling a condom onto a banana. What a thought! Clutching my pearls!

Here’s some straight facts about our little friend: the clitoris has the most nerve endings of any human body organ. It’s got 3,000 more than the penis (BOOM, BROS) and is the only part of our bodies made for pure, unadulterated pleasure. It literally has no other known function, aside from making your toes curl. Knowing that, it almost seems criminal NOT to take full advantage of its flawless design. There’s even an annual Masturbate-a-thon held in cities all over the world, working to raise money for various non-profits including women’s health initiatives and HIV education and prevention organizations. Originating in – big shocker- San Francisco,  Masturbate-A-Thon participants get together in a big masturbatorium (I wish I could take credit for that, but I promise you that is what they call it) and go to town on themselves, shame-free. Flickin’ your bean for a good cause? I can definitely get behind that.

Now before you light some candles, put on a Sade (the ethereal and timeless artist, not yours truly, the drunk blogger) record and give yourself a little love…take a moment to reflect on how kickass it is to be a woman. We have a pleasure button, you guys. How freaking awesome is that? Oh, one more thing- National Masturbation Month has a pretty sweet motto, so say it loud and say it proud: “I’d rather be masturbating!”

 Featured image via ShutterStock

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