How to have a Happy Valentine’s Day

Here are some tips to get you through the day:

  1. Wake up. Hug yourself and whisper, “I don’t need a soul mate, I don’t need to get married and make babies.” Now call your mother.


  1. In lieu of heart-shaped pancakes lovingly made by a spouse, bend your Pop-Tart in two and mold it into a heart by pounding it with your fist.


  1. Be bold, wear red. Now sashay to the subway like Beyonce is telling you to get in Formation.


  1. Send yourself flowers. At work, open card, read “from your secret admirer” out loud, lock eyes with the hottest person in the room, smile knowingly.


  1. After work, group-text your cousins who will always meet you to get hammered on cocktails that taste like cinnamon.


  1. Do not drunk-text your Ex.


  1. Give your cousin your phone


  1. Put that maraschino cherry in your mouth. Smile like it’s your front tooth. Wave at someone ‘til they wave back.


  1. Learn from your past Valentine’s Days: Do not make out with the bartender.


  1. But just in case you do …. always remember…. shave everything.


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