Madison Vanderberg
Updated Feb 14, 2018 @ 12:45 pm

It’s Valentine’s Day and lovers all over the world are celebrating with greeting cards, heart-shaped chocolates, and dinners at restaurants with overpriced prix-fixe menus. The Obamas already celebrated their love for one another on Instagram, so we wonder, in the mildest sense, how the current White House is fêting the romantic holiday this year.

As of press time, neither Donald nor Melania Trump had tweeted anything to one another about V-Day, so The Late Show with Stephen Colbert took it upon themselves to create a Valentine’s Day video tribute that Donald might hypothetically give to Melania. Colbert and his genius staffers cut together different moments from the president’s various speeches to create a Valentine’s Day memo to Melania that can’t stay on message.

Like in most of the president’s speeches, he finds a way to talk about the 2016 election.

The best part is when he goes way off topic and just starts listing the things he loves (women, South Carolina, Pennsylvania, and Ben Roethlisberger) followed by a list of all the entities that love him (Tom Brady, “the bikers,” “the Asians,” “The Hispanics,” “the African Americans,” and Florida).

Trump ends the video the only way he knows how, by exclaiming, “I love…Utah. I mean, Utah, did you see how many points I won by Utah? This thing wasn’t even close, like, massive.”

Poor Melania.