Horoscopes are my safe space. When every day was a bad day at age 16, I would come home from school and sandwich my body on my bed while simultaneously opening up a horoscope app. It was my post-school snack and I was always ravenous. In college, after my first class of the day, you could find me leaning precariously on my dorm room desk chair (the stars said nothing about an ER visit) while fixated on what was in store for Aquarius. I’ve completely and comprehensively injected zodiac signs into my life — I happily analyze loved ones’ behaviors based on their sign, fall prey to astrologically themed merch, and even started HelloGiggles’ zodiac column way back when.
As someone who aches for the stars and their tellings, I find myself drawn to astrology in all of its forms — yes, even on Twitter. That brought me to “sorrow-scopes,” a Twitter account that puts a pessimistic spin on the 12 zodiac signs.
Their bio? “Things are terrible.”
Though @sorrowscopes claims that things are terrible, their content is anything but. Amid a sea of horoscopes reading “things will get better” and “reach out to your loved ones,” sorrowscopes is going for the gut. As in, their tweets will delight you with dark humor while punching you in the gut.
These aren’t your mom’s horoscopes.
Though Winetrout runs the account, he emphasizes that @sorrowscopes is a collaboration. “Each batch of sorrowscopes features 12 different writers,” he states. “I post (and write some of) the submissions, but I don’t think of myself as running it. There are a bunch of people involved. You can find them in the ‘following’ section of the account (we follow our contributors).”
As for the future of @sorrowscopes?
Sorrow-scopes are here to stay — whether you like it or not.