Sydney Bucksbaum
February 12, 2018 4:53 pm

The Shape of Water is being heralded as one of this year’s best movies, and for good reason. Guillermo del Toro’s latest project, a progressive, subversive take on a monster movie/fairy tale, has a surprisingly heartfelt through-line story about love and loneliness, and audiences are reposnded to it.

For those who haven’t been able to see it yet (seriously, what are you waiting for?), it’s a beautiful film following a mute woman named Elisa (Sally Hawkins) who works as a nighttime janitor at government research facility in 1960s Baltimore as she finds and falls in love with an amphibious man (Doug Jones) being held in the lab. Their charming and touching love story is one not normally seen in pop culture, as both Elisa and the fish man are clearly separated from society by their “otherness,” and yet still are the heroes in their own romance. Despite having extreme handicaps, they are able to find a partner and create a wonderful, fulfilling relationship. It’s the kind of representation and inclusion the entertainment industry so rarely gives us, and to have it all take place within a fantasy setting was equally brilliant and unique.

The Shape of Water has been nominated for a bunch of Oscars, so the film is poised to be rewarded come March. But humans are garbage, so instead of focusing on the movie’s artistic qualities, people can’t stop obsessing over whether or not Elisa bangs the fish guy. And now someone has made a Shape of Water-themed dildo, and this is why we can’t have nice things.

And if you find yourself laughing at the sheer ridiculousness of that idea, get this: XenoCatArtifacts has already completely sold out of the dildos on Etsy. I repeat: XenoCatArtifacts has already completely sold out of the dildos on Etsy. Because not only did someone think that the world needed a Shape of Water dildo, but the world agreed and bought every single one that was for sale. Wow.

Named “Jewel of the Amazon,” the dildo is modeled after what someone imagined the Fish Man’s penis would look like (since The Shape of Water never actually shows it). So if you sometimes think your thoughts are weird, at least you didn’t daydream about a fictional amphibious being’s genitals and then create a dildo in that likeness.

But congratulations to XenoCatArtifacts for finding an underserved market and making an in-demand product, because that is just good business skills.

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