Even undead zombies needs to self-care every once and a while, and Shield Hammond is no exception. The Santa Clarita realtor (re-aa-la-toor) still likes to indulge in nice things, early morning jogs, blowouts, and fancy meals of only the best dead residents in town — and honestly, those sound like fun things to do…but maybe not eating the dead residents.
So eating human flesh aside, Netflix’s hilariously murder-y series, Santa Clarita Diet is back, and it’s better than ever. Drew Barrymore’s Sheila is still very much dead and loving it, while her husband Joel (the perfectly confused Timothy Olyphant) is still just the right amount of shellshocked by his current situation to not know if he should laugh or cry. In short, it’s the perfect balance between “Oh my god, I can’t believe they’re doing this” and “OMG, I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY’RE DOING THIS.”
And with the new season now streaming, it only made sense to try and live a day just like Sheila — but minus all the murder stuff because that is frowned upon, even in Santa Clarita. My best friend Netflix and I headed out for the day to get pampered. Also, frozen.
Yes, frozen, just like one of Sheila’s “snacks.” Because you can’t just have a bunch of body parts lying around the house, huh? After Sheila kills one of her victims (but please note: the victims are always really, really bad people) she freezes them, as if you would leftovers — and to her, well, they are. After a bunch of Bloody Marys (GET IT?), Netflix and I headed off to cryotherapy.
Cryotherapy, in the simplest terms, is the use of very low temperatures for healing and therapy. It’s basically like being frozen, but not going full Han-Solo-in-carbonite. However, there is very much a chamber that you step into with lots of smoke and frigid temperatures, as if you’re in a freezer yourself. This ice cold temperature is created via a mixture of liquid nitrogen and refrigerated cold air that’s pumped into the chamber with you. Sometimes your head is exposed outside of the chamber, sometimes you’re completely submerged in it; the cryotherapy chamber at Cryohealthcare in West Hollywood, California was one of these full body ones.
That meant completely stripping down to my underwear, and then putting on high knee socks, super fashionable rubber shoes, a robe, earmuffs, and also a face mask. And then going into a cryotherapy chamber for two minutes with a temperature between -200° and -256° F. THAT IS VERY, VERY COLD.
Spoiler alert: I only lasted for 45 seconds. I know this because the cryotherapy chamber was counting down the time, and I had to tap out at a minute and 15 seconds because I was laughing so hard and inhaled a WHOLE LOT OF THE COLD AIR. My new best friend, Caitlin from Netflix, lasted the whole two minutes because she is stronger and braver than I am.
Even though I was barely in the cold for a minute, I came out of it feeling better. I know this might sound crazy, but afterwards I felt like I had just woken up from a really deep nap, and I felt as if I could run a mile without stopping. The cold basically made me feel stronger and faster — just like Sheila after she wakes up dead.
Now that I felt like a completely new person, it was time for more pampering, with a full glam look at Blushington, which might be my new favorite place on the planet. It’s like going to the salon, but no hair treatment, just makeup. I’ve had makeovers before, but tbh I don’t think I’ve ever looked this good in my life. There, I said it. If I one day wake up as a member of the undead, my first stop is Blushington because it will breathe life into my cheeks.
From there, it was over to Drybar for a very specific hairstyle — “The Drew.” As in, Drew Barrymore. Drybar partnered with Netflix to actually create a brand new ~look~ honoring the actress, with a custom Mai Tai style. And obviously, that’s the look I got.
Once I was fully glam’ed up for the evening, it was time to head off to the main event — the Santa Clarita Diet premiere. It was oddly raining in California all day, even though we’ve never seen it rain ONCE in Santa Clarita (because, did you know, only *three weeks* have passed since Sheila first became infected?).
And that, my friends — both living and undead — is how you live the Santa Clarita lifestyle for the day. Oh and also I got a cool Santa Clarita mud mask that had an eye in it.
Here’s to Sheila’s new zombie religion, and Season 3!