Think of the sexiest thing you know — but dear god, do not tell me, just keep it to yourself. I’m not going to tell you what I’m thinking about either. But chances are, whatever you’re thinking (and what I’m thinking), it does not involve ice cream. And now, your idea of a sexy, fun time will never involve ice cream, thanks to a disgraceful ice cream sex scene in Fifty Shades Freed. Because yes, the third installment of the Fifty Shades trilogy has hereby ruined all future sexy ice cream encounters. Sorry if you were planning one.
Let me tell you about this ice cream sex scene, so you either know what you’re getting yourself into or you know what you’re missing out on. Bringing everyone up to speed real fast about the latest Fifty Shades movie: Anastasia and Christian are married, they’re super into kinky sex, and they go away for the weekend to Aspen to have kinky sex. That’s literally all you need to know.
In the middle of the night, Christian wakes up and finds that Ana is not in bed, so he goes into the kitchen and opens the fridge door, looks at all the food and closes it. Then he turns around and sees Ana sitting on the kitchen table eating ice cream and he goes, “Oh, I’ve been looking for you.” Were you looking for her…in the fridge, Christian?
Anyway. Christian goes over to Ana and is basically like, “Share your ice cream with me.” Ana is like, “No, this is my ice cream, get your own.” She starts teasing him with the ice cream, doing that thing where you move the spoon close to the other person’s mouth, before you jerk it away quickly and eat the food yourself. It’s like playing a cruel game of airplane with a baby trying to eat mushy carrots. Christian starts getting frustrated that Ana isn’t sharing her ice cream and THEN WHOOPS, Ana smears some ice cream on Christian’s semi-hairy, chiseled chest.
And since no one in this kinky sex fantasy has ever used a NAPKIN before, Ana licks the ice cream off Christian. She then dribbles some more ice cream on him, and licks that off as well. Just like there’s clearly a ban on napkins in the middle of a kinky sex encounter, there’s also a ban on bowls, I guess.
If you can believe it, this whole thing actually gets worse when Ana then takes the ice cream DOWN THERE on Christian and it’s not sexy, it is hella uncomfortable. Ana gets enough ice cream on Christian’s yoo-hoo that, oh surprise, she now has to, ahem, lick it off. I don’t want to be a wet blanket, but ice cream should be ashamed of itself for being a willing participant in this sexscapade. Do you not have standards, ice cream?
Unfortunately, the scene (and the movie) does not end there, because now it’s Christian’s turn to eat the ice cream off of Ana. He performs the not-kinky-only-cold-and-sticky sex act her. Then they just have regular sex, no ice cream.
The worst part about this whole scenario is that we don’t see them put the ice cream back in the freezer, leaving us to believe that the rest of the pint went to waste, and that is an awful way to let ice cream die. Ice cream, have some respect for yourself. You’re better than this. Ice cream is supposed to be eaten in BOWLS. Not off of someone’s VAGINA.
The Fifty Shades ice cream sex scene is like the sex equivalent of finding that your ice cream is covered in ice crystals, so you try to scoop them out, but it’s hard work and you get frustrated and give up because the ice cream has wronged you. The Fifty Shades ice cream sex scene is like if sex were a brain freeze, because it is uncomfortable and, dear god, you just want it to stop. The Fifty Shades ice cream sex scene is like eating ice cream even though you know you are getting older and more lactose intolerant than you were 10 years ago. But you eat the entire bowl of ice cream anyway and then spend the rest of the night in the bathroom, regretting all of your earlier decisions.
The Fifty Shades ice cream sex scene is like having frostbite, except there’s no chance you’re going to recover. Following the Fifty Shades ice cream sex scene, you will never be able to look at ice cream the same away again, because ice cream, how could you?