Sydney Bucksbaum
February 05, 2018 4:54 pm

File this one under no thank you: Doritos is rumored to be making crunch-less chips specifically for women. Because apparently it’s not okay for females to make any sounds while snacking away on cardboard triangles that pass for chips. This is brand new information! As a female myself, I clearly have so much to learn!

PepsiCo CEO Indra Nooyi recently said in an interview with Freakonomics Radio that the company is working to develop special snacks for women. Nooyi went on to say that women care more than men about getting making loud crunching sounds when eating, getting Doritos dust on their fingers and carrying the bags of chips in purses.

“When you eat out of a flex bag — one of our single-serve bags — especially as you watch a lot of the young guys eat the chips, they love their Doritos, and they lick their fingers with great glee, and when they reach the bottom of the bag they pour the little broken pieces into their mouth because they don’t want to lose that taste of the flavor and the broken chips in the bottom,” Nooyi said. “Women would love to do the same, but they don’t. They don’t like to crunch too loudly in public. And they don’t lick their fingers generously and they don’t like to pour the little broken pieces and the flavor into their mouth.”

But don’t worry fellas, nothing is going to change for you: You can still enjoy your regular old classic Doritos without a care in the world, since Nooyi said that they’re only focusing on products just for women. Apparently the rest of Doritos products are just fine for guys to enjoy.

“It’s not a male and female so much as ‘are there snacks for women that can be designed and packaged differently?'” Nooyi said in the interview. “And yes, we are looking at it, and we’re getting ready to launch a bunch of them soon. For women, low-crunch, the full taste profile, not have so much of the flavor stick on the fingers, and how can you put it in a purse? Because women love to carry a snack in their purse.”

I had no idea I was supposed to be worrying about how loud of a crunch I was making while nomming on some Cool Ranch Doritos, but jeez, that’s about all I’m going to be focusing on now! And oh man, all those times I licked my fingers after eating, who was watching and judging me?! I had no idea I was committing such a huge faux pas every time I went for what I thought was an innocuous snack break.

If this is society’s answer to the call for gender equality in all forms of life, then oh wow do we have quite a long way to go. My dudes, this is not what we meant when we asked for empowerment for females all over the world. The idea that “crunch-less chips” are what women need right now is so appalling that this must be a hoax, right? It wouldn’t be the first time this week that an ad turned out to be fake. PepsiCo has yet to release any information on this potential new line of products, so it’s anyone’s guess at this point … and the internet is strongly on the side of fake fake fake.

Also, WTF does “crunch-less chip” even mean? Isn’t that just a tortilla? Perhaps PepsiCo should take a second attempt at creating a woke snack because this one lacks real bite.

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