Luke Sharrett/Bloomberg via Getty Images
Nicole Pomarico
June 14, 2018 10:46 am

If you love Olive Garden breadsticks or even just funny internet stuff that makes no sense, then boy, do we have the thing for you. Comedian Keaton Patti wrote on Twitter that he made a bot watch 1,000 hours of Olive Garden commercials then had it write a script of its own for a brand new promo, and the results might be the best thing we’ve ever read.

Okay, so the bot probably didn’t actually watch 1,000 hours of Olive Garden commercials — as Mashable pointed out, that would have to be 250,000 unique commercials, which couldn’t possibly exist. Plus, Patti regularly shares scripts written by “bots” that watched “1,000 hours” of something (including Fox News segments and infomercials). But however this script came to be, it’s absolutely hilarious.

In the commercial script, which is about pasta nachos (is that a thing? It should be a thing) and other parallel-universe Olive Garden foods, four friends are gathered around a table at Olive Garden, discussing their food with each other and the waitress.

“A group of FRIENDS laughs at the dinner table,” the script begins. “A WAITRESS comes to deliver what could be considered food.”

From there, it only gets better. At one point, when the script takes a dark and dramatic turn, Friend 4’s mouth is full of “secret soup.” The friends even puzzle over “lasagna wings with extra Italy…more Italy than necessary.”

This script is TOO GOOD. Why isn’t this a real commercial?

You really need to read the entire thing yourself to get the full effect of the script, which you can do by clicking on the tweet above. It’s too good not to appreciate in all its glory. “It is infinite. It is all,” might be the best and most accurate way we’ve ever heard Olive Garden breadsticks described, in fact.

And if Patti ever wants to release the rest of his script, we’re ready for it. You know what they say at Olive Garden: “When you’re here, you’re here.”

Also, is it just us, or do lasagna wings sound really good right now?

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