Necessary Tips for Watching ‘Arrested Development’

I rarely get excited about things ’cause my soul is dead or whatever, but today’s Arrested Development release has me so giddy I’m almost smiling!

Y’all already know the story: after a bunch of tasteless fools refused to watch Arrested, a bunch of mean jerks at FOX cancelled it, leaving an unfilled void in the comedy lovin’ parts of millions of brains. But now it’s coming back! Netflix, that which dominates the average millennial’s (ugh) entertainment life, has produced a fourth season of Arrested and the entirety of it is out today. All 15 episodes at once? The release is perfect for a binge watch, the millennial’s (HELP, I CAN’T STOP) method of choice for watching TV series.

Don’t binge watch alone! Here’s how to throw the perfect Arrested Development party:

GUESTS: Only invite your family: no friends, no dates, no one who “couldn’t afford the Netflix bill man, help me out!” Just your family – that’s what the show’s about, after all.

FOOD: Buzzfeed has a great guide of food ideas, but let’s add to the mix. Duh, you’ll need Bluth’s Frozen Bananas, but if you wanna have the best party on the block, they’ll need to be authentically made by a Bluth. Don’t cheap out and hire Will Arnett or whatever; you need to find someone whose last name is actually Bluth. I recommend a combination of the phone book and kidnapping.

Another key ingredient is Cornballs made by the Cornballer. To build your own Cornballer at home, I recommend learning just a little bit of electrical engineering so you can build something just faulty enough.

Cloudmir vodka is easy – just write Cloudmir on some vodka… which leads us into:

DRINKING GAME: Drinking games are usually really boring, so let’s make this as dark as possible, take a drink (if you’re of age) when:

• Tobias is sadly unaware of his own sexuality (or hermpahroditism, say some theories), so also…
• Whenever Tobias’ debilitating Never Nudism is mentioned or suffered from)
• Whenever George Michael’s debilitating awkwardness causes issue
• Whenever the death of Tracy is brought up

and

• Whenever a character’s alcoholism is directly referenced.

Of course the show takes place in the future, so none of these could be relevant, so also…

• Take a drink anytime you laugh

And take a drink any time you notice a well-done callback.

But don’t forget, Mitch Hurwitz has instructed viewers to NOT binge watch, which of course is ridiculous, like when my Mom told me to not eat all the cookies; I’ve been perpetually eating cookies ever since.

Hurwitz said he’s worried viewers will simply “get tired” if they try to watch it all at once, to which I say, “Fooey!” It’s only 8.5 hours long. I’ve spent 8.5 hours watching shows way worse than Arrested Development (damn you, Jericho and your cliff hangers). I’ve had awkward silences that’ve lasted 8.5 hours. So either have a party, watch all 8.5 hours with your friends or wait ’til Memorial Day, wake up as if you were going to work and then just sit down and watch Arrested for 8 and a half hours. Then “go home from work”. They gave you the day off work for a reason.

Go forth and enjoy that which you’ve longed for and petitioned for.