Modern Slang Terms That Really, Really Need To Be Discontinued

I like to think I’m open-minded about slang terms. Over the past few months, I’ve allowed myself to type LOL in a couple of text messages (before quickly replacing it with Hahaha) and sometimes, I even add a hushed “YOLO Swag” to the end of every sentence (ironically, of course). However, in talking with some friends, I realized that the slang universe is transforming into a very weird, very scary entity that specializes in making me feel uncomfortable. Don’t know what I mean? Here are some terms I found that really, really creep me out.

Thirsty (adj.): desperately wanting someone

Ex. I’m so thirsty for Leonardo Dicaprio.

Does this trace back to some sort of vampire fetish? Or did someone just decide that “I want him” was too normal? Is that so preposterous? To say that you simply desire someone? Or must all love interests be reduced to liquid imagery now? If I missed that memo, please continue to leave me out of the loop because the very thought of it leaves a very unsettling taste in my mouth. Don’t make a thirsty joke there. Not even in your head. Stop it.

Man Steak (n.): a very attractive man

Ex. Adam Levine is such a man steak.

Again, with the food references. As far as I know, the country is not experiencing a food shortage so someone please explain to me why this phrase is so enticing. Actually, no, don’t. I have a feeling I’d hear some NSFW explanations that I don’t particularly care for. All I’m asking is that we substitute Man Steak for like, Awesome Guy or Male With Pretty Face, or something.

143 (phrase): “I Love You”

We’re not robots. Not yet. We don’t need to rush our transformation into drones by replacing human emotion with numbers. The only people exempt from this rule are Math and Computer Science majors who are dating other Math or Computer Science Majors because dating slang that relates to mutually shared geekiness is the cutest. For example:

Fat Finger (v.): making a mistake while typing on a computer

Ex. Oh, did I say I wanted to kiss you? Silly me. I meant to type ‘I want to kill you.’ I must have fat fingered it.

You can save a lot of people a lot of discomfort by switching “fat fingered” with “my fingers must have slipped” or even simply “Autocorrect.” Fat finger makes me think of one of those giant sports gloves that you wear at football games to annoy the people behind you. I’ve never actually heard this phrase in real life, as it apparently is more common in the techie world, but I hope I never have to experience it.

Ratchet (n.): a promiscuous hot mess

As if we needed another derogatory name for women. Ratchet, which was popularized by LL Cool J’s song by the same name, describes a diva-esque woman. While some people claim it can have positive connotations (“young, wild, and free”), I personally think it’s just another term rap singers can insert into their songs to degrade people a little more. I also can’t shake the image of that video game Ratchet & Clank from a few years back, which is also probably a factor in my confusion over this word.

Jelly (adj.): jealous

The word jelly gets under my skin like no other. I’ve tried to embrace it. Really, I have, but every time I try to get the word out of my mouth, I end up saying “I’m gellin’” because that sounds a little more natural in my mind and then everyone asks me how Dr. Scholls is doing and you know what, I don’t need that sass. (He’s doing just fine, thanks for asking.) Plus, another food reference just automatically turns me off.

Like I said, I’m all for interesting slang, as long as it does not make me want to cover my ears and never speak to another human again. These are the slang words that bother me, but what do you all think? Do you disagree with my choices? Did I miss any? What words do you think should be discontinued?

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