John Malkovich and Stephen Colbert want to make your children’s birthday party unforgettable

When it comes to planning children’s birthday parties, Stephen Colbert and John Malkovich got you covered.

Actor and director Malkovich joined Colbert on The Late Show on Friday to debut “Stephen and John’s Kid-tacular Birthday Entertainment.” The sketch begins innocuously enough, but we soon discover Malkovich has some, er, tricks up his sleeve. And we’re not talking balloon animals. (Though Colbert’s attempt at balloon animals and magic tricks is quite admirable.)

The pair lists their offerings as party planners, but things start to get weird.

The camera turns to Malkovich, who adds,  “I promise you, it’ll be a birthday they’ll never forget, no matter how hard they try.

If that’s not spooky enough, he continues, offering their storytelling capabilities. But the doesn’t mean a rousing rendition of Little Red Riding Hood.

“We also tell stories, he says. “Tales of man’s inhumanity to man that will bring your children to tears.

Just when you think it can’t get creepier, Colbert says they even have a special birthday song and it is just as scary as you’d imagine. Malkovitch’s improved lyrics to the “Happy Birthday” song will really get your little one pondering their mortality:

‘Today you burst forth from your mother’s womb. Now you’re one day closer to your lonely tomb.

You have to admit, that’s pretty catchy!

They even have traumatizing party favors!

You can watch the full video here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NaQhudOBabQ?feature=oembed

Malkovich seems to fit right in the “scare the shit out of the kids” genre. For Saturday Night Live’s 2008 Christmas show, he gathered kids around to read “Twas The Night Before Christmas.” Just like his birthday party antics, it takes a turn for the dark when he begins talking about suicide rates around the holidays and failed dreams.

Parents, steer clear of these two.