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Margeaux Baulch Klein
September 08, 2017 6:25 am

When it comes to weddings, comedians feel your pain. They, too, had to buy the purple taffeta bridesmaid dresses, dance the Chicken Dance, and sit through drunken toasts that never seem to end.

Thankfully, as a result, they’ve gifted us with some of the funniest observations about weddings that we’ve ever heard. So if you cringe every time you have to hear a sappy recitation of “Love is patient; love is kind,” then these LOL-worthy (and sometimes cynical) wedding quotes are for you.

1Let’s be real about those vows

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When you get married, you stand there and you say ”Til death do you part.’ That’s what you say in the marriage vows — make that vow, stay together forever. The divorce rate is sky high, so everybody’s just lying their asses off. Why don’t we come clean? Let’s be honest, you know? Instead of standing there saying ”Til death do you part,’ let’s just go, ‘I’ll give it a shot.'” – Wanda Sykes

2Anything for free booze

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“We thought it was a bad idea you guys got married, but we didn’t feel like we could say anything because it was open bar.” – Megan Mooney


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“I’m getting married today. My only fear is that instead of ‘I do’ I’ll say ‘I do do’.” –Tig Notaro

4We feel like there’s more to this story…

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“The bride’s family sat on this side, and the groom’s family sat on that side ’cause of the restraining order.” – Wendy Liebman

5Here’s a PSA

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“It’s not the concept of marriage I have a problem with. I’d like to get married, too. A couple times. It’s the actual wedding that pisses me off…The problem is that everyone who gets married seems to think that they are the first person in the entire universe to do it and that the year leading up to the event revolves entirely around them. You have to throw them showers, bachelorette weekends, buy a bridesmaid dress, and then buy a ticket to some godforsaken town wherever they decide to drag you. If you’re really unlucky, they’ll ask you to recite a poem at their wedding. That’s just what I want to do — monitor my drinking until I’m done with my public service announcement. And what do we get out of it, you ask? A dry piece of chicken and a roll in the hay with their hillbilly cousin. I could get that at home, thanks.” – Chelsea Handler

6Marriage is serious business

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“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?” – Dennis Miller

7Those bridesmaid shoes cost a pretty penny

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“My sister just got married. I was the maid of debt in that little event.” – Kathleen Madigan

8No diamond for me, thanks

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“Diamonds are not my best friend. If we want to make it all about the ring, I’ll take a ring from a guy, but I want something cool in it, cooler than a diamond – like an mp3. How cool would that be? People’d say, ‘Let me see the ring.’ I’d be like, ‘Uh-uh, listen to it.'” – Tami Vernekoff

9Separate vacations, then?

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“The honeymoon is an odd tradition. You’ve just taken the vows when you rush off to some vacation hideaway, where you spend every second of every day with the very person to whom you just pledged your entire life. Two weeks apart would make more sense. You’ve got the rest of your lives to get sick of each other. Why rush it?” – Jeff Stilson

10Always a bridesmaid…

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[Being a bridesmaid] can be a little bit of a bummer, you know, ’cause there’s that old saying: ‘Always a bridesmaid, never an astronaut.’ – Jessi Klein

11That’s not even counting the Macarena

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“Since I’ve been out of high school, I’ve been to 32 weddings. That’s like 17-and-a-half miles of the electric slide, folks.” – Matt Iseman

12Diamonds are forever

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“I got a lot of friends that are starting to get married. It’s weird ’cause a lot of my female friends, I think they are progressive, liberal minded folks but when it comes to the engagement ring they want a traditional, big ass rock. I understand ladies love diamonds because diamonds are forever, true, but so is a plastic bag. ‘Because my love is eternal, because my love will never break down – I want to give you this non-biodegradable grocery sack. Don’t be sad, girl, it’s got like 50 carrots in there.'” – Sheng Wang

13Wait until you’re 21, at least

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“Eighteen is too young to get married. You can’t even buy alcohol. If you can’t drink, how are you going to make your marriage work?” – Lisa Landry

14You’re gonna need a second job

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“The rule of thumb is a man is supposed to spend at least two months’ salary when he buys an engagement ring for a woman. Yeah, like I’m going to blow $600 on some ring.” – John Ridley

15Well, that’s sad

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“A friend of mine had a Super Mario Brothers-themed wedding two years ago. Then, a year after that, he had a regular-themed divorce.” – Dan St. Germain

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