No matter how happy you were at the beginning of your relationship, your sex life will certainly change over time. You might go from having sex every single day to only knockin’ boots once a week (or less). Now is not the time to panic, wherever your sex life currently sits.
Just because you’re not all over each other like you were when you first got together doesn’t mean all is lost.
To get a professional perspective on things, HelloGiggles spoke with Wendy Strgar, relationship expert, founder of Good Clean Love and author of forthcoming book SEX THAT WORKS: An Intimate Guide to Awakening Your Erotic Life.
Although we’re led to believe that being with one person for a long time kills the passion, so to speak, Strgar thinks it’s something else entirely. She says a drop in your sex life is more likely due to the fact that we aren’t taking a long, hard look at our own sexuality.
“Real sexual freedom comes from taking responsibility for our own sexual needs,” she advises. Once you realize that, then you can sit down with your partner and talk about the ways you can improve your sex life. Here are five tips on doing just that.
1Express your own desires and needs
You can’t expect your sex life to get better if you don’t know what you need in the bedroom, and you certainly can’t improve things if you don’t articulate these needs to your partner in a coherent way.
“Learning to express your desires takes both practice and courage,” Strgar says, which is why she rates this as one of the most challenging conversations you’ll ever have with your SO. Don’t let this scare you off, though. You need to communicate in this way in order to heat things up.
2Find a time when you’re both relaxed and in a comfortable place
Bringing up the topic of your sex life when you’re at a dinner party or in a crowded restaurant is not the way to play this. Wait until you’re in the comfort of your own home to strike up this conversation, because you don’t want there to be any awkward distractions.
“Without the ability to communicate, relating about sex can degenerate into score-keeping a hurtful tally of who asked and who says no,” Strgar says. However, you won’t be able to effectively communicate unless you’re in the right setting, so make sure you’re both feeling at ease.
3Ask your S.O. what you can do for them in the bedroom
Although it’s important to take responsibility for your own sexuality, you can’t forget that your partner has sexual needs as well. Your sex life is about the both of you, after all. Ask them if there’s something that’s been lacking for them lately or if there’s something they want more of when it comes to sex. The more you know about their needs, the better you can satisfy each other.
4Discuss some new things you can incorporate into your sex life
“Bringing curiosity to our sexual lives is a profound act of sexual freedom,” Strgar tells HG. (And you don’t have to tell us twice.) Are there sex positions you or your S.O. has been wanting to try out? Interesting sex toys? Decide on a few new things you can work into your sex life, because that novelty will reignite the fire and get things going hot and heavy.
5Be honest with your partner — but be kind
Nobody has the perfect sex life. Not even Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan-Tatum. “Learning to communicate about our sexual lives is bedrock for the rest of our relationship,” Strgar tells HG. That means you have to open up with your S.O. about the uncomfortable stuff, like things you don’t like sexually or things you need more of.
However, there’s always a way to have this kind of conversation that is both honest and respectful. Don’t point your fingers at each other and blame one another for anything. Think of this as a way for you to improve your sex life as a team, because it’s not about who is doing better. It’s all about finding a place where you can both feel fulfilled.