Almie Rose
April 24, 2013 4:44 am

Charlie Sheen had Lindsay Lohan guest on his show Anger Management. Given the rumors on set of Lohan being professional for only one day of shooting and that she may have stolen a few things, here are some voicemails I can imagine Charlie Sheen leaving her throughout the show’s taping.

The day before taping:

“Hi, Lindsay, It’s Charlie. Really excited to have you working with us. We gave your assistant all the info, so, ah… so we should be good to go. Let me know if you have any questions and… yeah. Yeah! Winning! Haha.. ehhh. Bye!”

After the first day of taping:

“Lindsay! Hey! It’s, me, Charlie. Just wanted to say, wow. Great job. You were early and had those lines down and man, you were good. Good. Soooooo good. I-I felt like… like I was watching a young Harrison Ford. Can’t wait for tomorrow. Same call time. Let me know if you want to ah, do some scene study or whatever. (laughs) I’m kidding, let me know if you want to get smashed. Bye!”

After the second day of taping:

“Hi, Lindsay, it’s Charlie. So…look, I’m not saying that you have to be an hour early every day or…or anything like, like that. But, you know, we were waiting for a while, and the ah, the crew, you know. They have to stay the whole time. I appreciate that while you didn’t know all of your lines, the ones you knew were… were good. I like your, ah, enthusiasm for the show, your suggestions for ah, you know, new scenes. I just don’t think it makes sense for your character to become recurring, and…ah I’m really not sure why we would get Jared Leto involved. Did you ask him to come to the set? Is that why Jared Leto was sitting in the corner, staring at everyone? He…he made a lot people uncomfortable. He was giving himself a tattoo, Lindsay. Right there. Please do me a favor, and, ah…don’t invite your friends to the set. But… I don’t know, good work, or…whatever.”

Two days after taping wrapped:

“Lindsay…it’s Charlie. Listen, you were great that first day on set. Really wonderful to work with. I think we both know, that, uh…the rest of the days…well, they were rough. It’s not exactly your fault, ah…you know…I don’t know. But you did a great job. Listen…Lindsay…did you take some stuff? I heard that we’re missing some stuff from wardrobe. I really hate to ask, but…I mean…I have to, you know? And another thing…can you stop texting me asking me if I know James Franco? I don’t really know James Franco. I think I met him once at the Golden Globes, but honestly I was like 40 minutes into a peyote trip when we started talking and it might have been Ray Liotta. I’m…I’m not gonna lie…that trip was intense…the likes of which I’ve never seen. (hushed) Never Lindsay. Never. (normal tone) What? Oh, yeah, just…just return the stuff, or…or I don’t know. I. Yeah.”

A few days later:

“Are you ignoring me? Are you kidding me? Listen to me, Lohan, I am Charlie Sheen. Charlie F—– Sheen. I have done it all and seen it all. You want some of this fire, Lindsay? You want some of this raw passion? You want me to unleash the Sheenanigans? Is…is that what you want? I HAVE A F—— DRAGON LIVING IN MY GUEST BATHROOM, LINDSAY. A F—— DRAGON. I HAVE A SMALL VILLAGE IN MY BACKYARD. THE MAYOR IS A TALKING CAT. I HAVE A WIFE IN FRANCE I’VE NEVER EVEN MET. I’M…I’M PRETTY SURE THAT AT SOME POINT IN MY LIFE, MAYBE, MAYBE EVEN FOUR TIMES, I’M PRETTY SURE THAT I’VE TRAVELED BACK IN TIME, I THINK I EVEN MET PRESIDENT LINCOLN. SO DON’T SCREW WITH ME. YOU’VE BEEN SHEENED.”

A few hours later:

“I JUST SAW GOD, LINDSAY. I JUST SAW GOD AND HE HATES YOU. HE TOLD ME. YOU DON’T EVEN…YOU DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT I’M GOING THROUGH. I AM LIVING MY LIFE. IT’S MINE. IT’S MY LIFE. AND YOU CAN TELL YOUR STUPID IDIOT LAWYER TO THREATEN ALL HE WANTS, YOU TELL HIM TO RELEASE ALL OF THESE VOICEMAILS TO TMZ. NO, REALLY. GO AHEAD. IT WILL ONLY MAKE ME STRONGER. I AM STRONG. I AM A BEAR, AND AN OX, AND AND, A, I AM A BEAR OX. OKAY? I’M A BEAROX. I CAN SAY OR DO ANYTHING I WANT. I THINK WE SHOULD HUNT OLD PEOPLE FOR SPORT AND MAKE BABIES WORK IN FIELDS AND I THINK THAT WOMEN SHOULD BE SHOT FOR—

(shouting is heard, scuffling, cursing, muffled voices)

–Hi, Lindsay, this is Emilio. Please ignore everything my brother just said. Thanks.”

Faintly in the background, Charlie Sheen is shouting,

“AND ANOTHER THING. SOMEONE GET THAT M—– F—– MATTHEW BRODERICK OVER HERE. I NEVER LIKED THAT GUY. I WANT TO FIGHT HIM. I WANT TO FIGHT HIM WITH ALL OF MY FISTS.”

Photo from Zimbio.

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