Channing Sargent
February 14, 2017 7:45 am

Guys, unpopular opinion here, but…unequivocally, inarguably, Valentine’s Day is the worst holiday. For one thing, it’s not an actual holiday, so let’s chill on that.

Perhaps the day known as Saint Valentine’s Day or the Feast of Saint Valentine has a place in Christian practice. But this candies-and-flowers, love-notes-and-teddy-bears business that has come to define Valentine’s Day is, outside of elementary school, just commercial nonsense.

On February 15, trucks full of bad, overpriced candies wind up in landfills.

Plush polyfiber animals holding satin hearts in their arms go back to storage, for next year’s inventory.

When you’re single, the sight of these goods landing on store shelves on January 2nd, no sooner and no later, is maddening.

That plush velvet heart begins to resemble a punching bag. The candies induce vomiting.

The unveiling of Valentine’s menus at neighborhood restaurants begin to feel like personal affronts.

When you’re coupled, the appearance of silky red merchandise in your local drug store causes anxiety.

But then, in an effort to buy some time, and to entertain the thought of getting something actually nice for your bae, even though you got him/her their every heart’s desire for the holidays that just passed, you once again run out of time.

Luckily, you programmed 1-800-flowers into your phone two years ago. Good call.

We henceforth declare: Valentine’s Day shall hereby be known merely as Tuesday.

Or whatever day of the week February 14th happens to land.

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