Karen Fratti
May 08, 2017 5:41 am

Sometimes it’s just really, really obvious when something is created by a person who has no idea what’s good. Like this sex toy that’s supposed to simulate oral sex, but kinda looks like a torture device. An image of the sex toy made its way around the internet last week, and people are losing their minds. Well, mainly just women, who can’t imagine how in the world that thing is supposed to feel like oral sex.

Simulating oral sex has to be a hard thing to do, so props to someone for even trying! But maybe they should have asked a woman to try it out or explain what good oral feels like. Or at least a woman who’s had a few partners and hasn’t just been letting someone lapping their tongue at her clitoris?

Because that’s what this thing does. The Sqweelo 2 by Lovehoney, “the world’s best oral sex simulator,” features a wheel with 10 lapping silicone tongues, 3 powerful speeds, 30 percent more power and a new reversible mode and flicker function for incredible orgasms every time.” Ha. OK. That thing needs to take two solid steps back.

There’s also a Sqweelo Go, in case you want to bring your flicking tongues on the go. Though one reviewer wrote that that, too, “feels absolutely nothing like oral sex.”

“It would have been better named “The Clit Flicker,” as it’s less like someone delicately massaging your clitoris, and more like a miniature clitoral assault.”

For what it’s worth, everyone is into different things, and when it comes to sex toys, do you, friends. Maybe the Sqweelo 2 looks like the best night you’ve had in a while. No shame: you can get it right here. Get at it. But 10 lapping, powerfully flicking mechanical tongues isn’t everyone’s idea of oral sex. As many on Twitter have pointed out.

With all the complaints and jokes about the toy, there is some good news. Apparently, there are oral sex simulator toys that do a decent job and there are NO flicky tongues.

Whatever works for you. Just be careful with the motorized tongues.

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