Sammy Nickalls
March 04, 2016 3:53 pm
20th Century Television

We all have our sexual fantasies — maybe even a list of things we’d want to try. However, there are some things that sound super sexy but really aren’t, TBH, because movies and porn aren’t real life. Here are all the “sexy situations” we’ve grown up thinking are ultra hot, only to find out they’re, well, not so much.

1. Car sex

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Unless the back of your car is quite roomy indeed, anyone with remotely long legs is bound to feel uncomfortable, and your skin will end up sticking to the leather seats, and there’s that ever-present nervousness of being seen — the latter of which sounds like it would be hot, but you can’t help but envision just how horrifying it would be if a cop walked up to the car with a flashlight.

2. 69-ing

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Sure, it sounds great! But unless you and your partner are the same height, there is no way to make this work without at least one person being highly uncomfortable. Plus, how can you concentrate on getting off if you’re working on your technique? And vice versa? HOW DOES THIS WORK?! Nah, taking turns is better, IMHO. Wink wink.

3. Sex in very public places

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So, the sex factor here is the knowledge that someone could walk in at any moment. Cool, that makes sense, and it seems super hot in theory. But I view this much like I view many of the romantic plot points in Love Actually — I love the thought of them, but they would not be pleasurable IRL. Like, it’s super cute that Jamie and Aurélia got married despite their language barrier before even getting to know each other, and I swoon over it every time, but if it actually happened to me IRL, I’d be like, “Dude, I hardly know ya, take me on a date first.” Just like if my partner proposed we have sex in some random room in a museum, I’d be like, “HA, NO, I’D PREFER NOT TO BE ARRESTED THANKS.”

4. Sex on the beach

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OK, this is one form of sex in public that sounds hot as hell. There are times when it would be pretty safe to do it and not get caught, and it would be on a beach, with the sounds of the waves around you — how could that not be sexy? Except for the damn SAND. Even if you lay down a massive blanket, sand will inevitably end up all over the place — including several places you never dreamed you’d get sand. Let’s stick to making out on the beach, yeah?

5. Forest sex

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Way back when, when I was into True Blood, I watched an episode where Sookie and Eric had sex in a beautiful lush glen, and I was like, “Damn, I need to get it on in a forest ASAP.” The moonlight, the crickets. . . so romantic, right? But guys: Poison ivy and bugs. A whole new kind of itchiness.

6. Shower sex

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Sure, it seems steamy (pun totally intended), and it makes for a super sexy movie scene, but shower sex is just one of those things that never works out. Maybe it’s personal, because I’m super short and my boyfriend is pretty tall, but shower sex feels pretty much impossible. Even if you manage to get everything in the right place, one person always ends up with a face full of water, and the water temperature changes to be too cold or too hot at some point, and ugh, nightmare.

7. Using whipped cream and other sticky things

Licking delicious things off your loved one’s hot bod sounds amazing — except after you’ve done it, and there’s still this weird sticky residue, and you feel like you both rolled around in a thin layer of candy. Maybe food —> foreplay shower —> actual sex in a real, non-sticky bed.

8. Being a part of the Mile High Club

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Again, this one sounds sexy. Having sex in the air — in a big flying machine filled with unsuspecting people! Totally get it. Except, have you ever tried to move around even slightly more than necessary in an airplane bathroom? Those things are TINY. Plus, airplane bathrooms are repulsive. Oh, and it would have to be so unbelievably quick that no one would *really* get any pleasure out if it, anyway. Better saved for the hotel when you land.

9. Drunk sex

Inhibitions lowered, feeling carefree after a few drinks. Your body feels looser, and you’re feeling free and ready to go at it! Except both of you are drunk and sloppy and don’t totally have control of your movements enough to make anything pleasurable, and dehydration leads to practically no lubrication, and someone falls asleep on the other one which is equal parts insulting and embarrassing. Oh, and drunk sex can lead to some regrettable mornings. In other words: Drunk sex is no fun. Now, slightly tipsy sex – that’s fun.

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But hey, if you disagree with any of these, you do you. Get out there and get some, tiger.

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