How to Dirty Talk with Confidence, According to Sex Experts
This is the answer to spicing up your sex life.
Are you looking for ways to spruce up your sex life? While buying lingerie, dildos, and vibrators are a few ways to do just that, there’s one thing you can do that doesn’t require making a single purchase. Enter: Dirty talk.
If you just cringed at the very thought of talking like the people you see in porn, chances are, you just haven’t done it yet. After all, once you open up to it and incorporate dirty talk phrases into your sex life, you might just find that your sex life is more satisfying than ever. That’s because, in addition to turning on your partner, dirty talk phrases can actually inform them of what you like and want them to do.
With that in mind, we chatted with a few sex experts about everything there is to know about dirty talk for beginners. Keep reading to learn the ins and outs of approaching and embracing dirty talk.
How to dirty talk:
Ask your partner if they want to dirty talk.
Before uttering a single dirty phrase to your partner, Lovehoney’s LGBTQ Activist Zachary Zane says that it’s important to gain consent.
“Before you say anything in the bedroom, talk to your partner about what they think they’d like to hear and what they definitely do not want to be called,” he says. “For example, some women love being called a ‘slut’ but not a ‘bitch.’ Some people love being called ‘daddy’ during sex whereas others don’t. Once you know what your partner is into, then you can go ahead and use the approved words.”
How to start dirty talk:
Sexting: Look, there’s no way around it. When you’ve never participated in dirty talk before, it may seem awkward or embarrassing at first. Heck, it might even feel difficult to get the words out during (or leading up to) sexual acts. As such, Lovehoney‘s Sextech Advisor, Bryony Cole, says that starting with sexting is a great first step to embracing dirty talk. “Writing a cheeky message can be just as exhilarating without the pressure of being face to… anywhere,” she says.
Video sex: Once you become more comfortable with sexting, Cole says that the next step is adding video sex into the mix. (Of course, only do this with someone you explicitly trust, as sexy videos in the wrong hands is never a good idea.) “Video sex can help us communicate our sexual needs and wants with our partner,” she says. “Without the pressure of being in the same space, it’s the perfect time to practice dirty talk.”
Talking dirty in-person: After experimenting with sexting and video sex, Cole says you might just be ready for in-person dirty talk—how exciting! Just because you’re ready to explore dirty talk face-to-face doesn’t mean you have to go from 0 to 100, though. “You can start gently and slowly,” Cole assures. “Try short questions like ‘do you like that?’ or explain what you’re about to do, or are currently doing, and how it feels. Most dirty talk is best kept simple and succinct.”
Hoping for more guidance? Zane says that saying what you want to do to your partner and then, as you’re doing it, telling them how you love doing it, is a great place to start. “‘I want to lick every part of your body,'” he says as an example. “Then, when you are licking them, you can say, ‘I love how sweet you taste.'”
The point is, adding dirty talk into your sex life doesn’t necessarily have to replicate the aggressive phrases so often used in porn (unless, of course, that’s your thing).
“Keep it simple and authentic to you,” says Alicia Sinclair, the founder and CEO of COTR, the brand behind cult-favorite sex toy brands b-Vibe, Le Wand, and The Cowgirl. “Tell your partner what you like, where or how you want to be touched, how they make you feel, compliment them, or my personal favorite—make consent your sexy talk by asking your partner if you can perform a sex act.”
Dirty Talk Phrases:
Knowing that incorporating dirty talk into sex can sometimes be intimidating, we’re here to arm you with a bunch of dirty talk examples and prompts to get your gears going.
1. Focus on how you’re feeling. “Describe what’s happening,” Cole says. “Keep it simple and short. (‘I love how you touch me.’) Looking to amp it up? Throw in adjectives like the classic ‘big/wet’ or get more creative with words like ‘juicy.'”
2. Seduction and instruction. “Let your partner know what you want and exactly how to touch (or lick or kiss) you to achieve that desire,” Cole says. Some phrases can be, “I love it when you kiss my neck,” or “I want you to touch my [in put body part] like this.”
3. Pose a question. “‘Do you prefer when I [action] or [action]?’ ‘Would you like it if I [action]?'” Cole suggests.
Or, if you’re hoping for solid sentences you can incorporate into your sex life, heed Zane and Sinclair’s suggestions, below.
Dirty talk examples:
“‘How badly do you want this dick/pussy, baby?'” Zane shares.
“‘I love how your mouth/ hands/etc. feel on my [insert body part],'” Sinclair suggests.
“‘I’ve thought about this all day,'” Zane says.
“‘Harder. Faster,'” Sinclair says.
“‘I need you inside of me right now,'” Zane shares.
How to talk dirty with confidence:
The trick to dirty talk is to not get caught up in your head, thinking that there’s only one way to approach it. “There isn’t a ‘right’ way to talk dirty,” Cole says. “But it is crucial to gain consent and discuss words that turn you on [with your partner]. Defining what’s off-limits is just as important as what you whisper in their ear. Make sure you know each other’s raunchiness thresholds.”
And remember, as with anything, practice makes perfect. “Although your dirty talk might feel a little forced in the beginning, the more and more you do it the better you’ll get at it,” Sinclair assures. “It will feel more natural and you’ll be able to read the cues of what your partner likes most. Don’t take it too seriously and remember that dirty talk is just as much about making you feel sexy, as it is about making your partner turned on.”