Leonora Epstein
December 15, 2015 4:56 pm

We’ve had a bit of obsession lately with the hilarity that is stock photography. It’s. Just. So. Weird. Today, we fell down a rabbit hole after searching for “sex,” and according to Shutterstock, this is exactly what “mommy-daddy sheet monster” time is like:

First, you get a phone call from Sex. “Oh hello, Sex? Hi, hi. Yes. Would you like to do it? Yes? Great! See you soon.”

Of course, Sex isn’t always initiated by the phone. Sometimes, you just need to make this hand motion to your partner and then all of a sudden: WHAM. Sex.

What, like you don’t have sex in a dungeon every night?

It’s always good to treat intercourse like a game of Monopoly. “Hey! I got doubles!”

Obviously, your eyeshadow looks like an ad in a Sephora window when you’re getting it on.

Oh, and your panties ALWAYS match your bra. (HAHAHAHAH sorry, but this is is maybe the most unrealistic trend of sexy stock photography.)

Yes! That scene from Titanic totally taught you to unleash THE HAND at your climax.

And then you write “sex” next to it. Just to make it super clear to everyone.

You know how, when you’re doing it, you just hold your mouths really close together?

Like, right there. Hold it. Oh. Yes.

And we assume you measure your partner’s genitalia before (or after?) the deed, yes?

OK, now this just seems unsanitary.

And this. What, you can’t relate to anything going on in this situation? Huh.

(Images via Shutterstock)

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