‘Tis the season to bring your significant other to your parents’ place (or vice versa) to celebrate the holidays. There shall be present-opening, childhood photograph looking, spiked cider drinking, and other festivities — but there’s just one problem. You’re spending a lot of time here and your hormones are probably like, “Hi, this is great and everything, but where’s the sex? Must. Have. Sexxxxxxxxx.”
Regardless of whether you’re married to your special person or just casually dating, it always feels risky to take care of business when you’re surrounded by so many relatives in such close proximity. So, we’ve compiled some handy tricks (pun so not intended) to having sex at the parents’ house without getting caught.
1. Wait until the parental unit is asleep. This may seem so obvious, but you really never know. Some humans like to watch TV really late, or sneak into the kitchen for some late-night eggnog-from-the-carton. Make sure everyone in the household is deep in REM.
2. Have really, REALLY early morning sex (yes, you can do it if set your mind to it). Set an alarm for 4 a.m., aka ~sexy time~.
3. Pick a position so it just looks like you’re spooning. That way, if someone DOES barge in, it looks like you two are just taking an innocent lil’ snooze.
4. Do it on the floor so the bed doesn’t creak.
5. Or better yet? The bathroom, with the fan turned on.
6. If your parents’ place has a basement, use it to its fullest potential.
7. Go “grab some milk from the grocery store” and park your car somewhere secluded and, well, you know.
8. Go “do some laundry.” But no, really, go do some laundry so you create noise that stifles your own noise.
9. There are always closets. Yes you can have sex in a closet, and yes you may have to rearrange a few coats and shoes.
10. Suggest “camping” outside. It may be cold. But it will be worth it.
11. Wear easy-access clothing. You never know when you two can slip away and Get. It. On.
12. When you’re watching a movie, make sure you are under a LOT of blankets. Insulation is key.
13. Casually stuff a towel in the crack of the door. There. Problems solved.
14. Encourage the parents to do date night so you have the house ALL TO YOURSELVES. Bwahahaha!
15. Clean up after yourself so you look like an awesome house-guest NOT having surreptitious sex. Leave no sexy trace behind.
16. And if your parents DID hear you gettin’ it on, just say you were watching Boogie Nights.