Mary Grace Garis
November 12, 2015 7:27 am

While it sucked being struck with an Autumn flu this week, I thankfully had bae taking care of me. “Bae” of course meaning “fictional emo heartthrob Seth Cohen from The OC” and “taking care of me” meaning “yeah, I just watched the entire show over again because The OC is now available to stream online.” I’ll repeat it again for the back row: THE OC IS NOW STREAMING ON CW SEED, why are you even doing anything else right now?

No wait, come back here, we need to chat. It’s not a big deal or anything, but my life is so profoundly empty because I have not found a guy like Seth Cohen. Despite living in Brooklyn for four months now, I still don’t have a nice Jewish boyfriend who’s as cute, as witty, as gently indie and as burdened with insecurity and paralyzing self doubt as Seth Goddamn Cohen. Where is he?! I just feel spoiled, because Seth and Summer are pretty much #RelationshipGoals for life. They are undeniable. They are everyone’s endgame.

Ryan and Marissa were also a couple in that show.

So yeah, here are all the unrealistic expectations The OC gave me about longterm love, brash romantic declarations, and plastic ponies.

Remembering the little things can help you stand out with your crush

…like that poem they wrote five years ago. Or, I’m sorry, that poem Taylor Townshend wrote five years ago. Regardless, Seth’s dramatic recitation of “I Wish I Were A Mermaid” spurs Summer to kiss him, and I feel that feel. Let’s face facts, anyone can call you pretty. It takes someone really special, with a slightly creepy photographic memory, to reflect on all your beautiful nuances.

A handmade comic is a good gift. A Wonder Woman costume is a better one

Ah, the Anna vs Summer war of 2003, a Chrismukkah to never forget. Both made good power plays with their gift, but I’ll be honest with you kids, if Anna didn’t walk in at the wrong moment Summer would’ve won that game. Also, having been both the girl who made a handmade comic AND the girl dressed up in a sexy costume (it was Stevie Nicks, the guys I date are weird), I’m gonna go on the record as saying the latter is consistently more effective.

It’s a harsh reality, kids, but I’d rather you learn it from me now.

The only way to proclaim your love is loudly, in front of your entire school

When Seth jumps on that very high and very scary coffee cart to put his feelings for Summer on the line, that is a BOLD, almost Dobler-esque move. Like, in all honesty I’m not sure if ultimatums are real sexy in reality, but it made for an iconically romantic scene.

Objectively speaking though, by the time Seth was making his dramatic “I love Summer speech” during junior prom, the entire Harbor School student body had to be like, “omg, this guy again.”‘

You’re under no obligation to take back your ex after he ditches you without notice to sail up to like, Portland of all places

EVEN if it’s Seth Cohen. When he returns to Newport Beach in season two after a three month leave, Summer is forced to shut him out of her life, pointing out his selfish side. ” It is always about you: what you need and what you want,” she says. “You know, it seems you only want me when you can’t have me. You like the chase, and that’s all. And you know what? You can have it.”

All the awards, Summer. All. the. awards.

Always have a song…or several songs

Truly the biggest lesson of The OC, and I think back to “The Last Waltz” when it comes to this. “Whatever song comes on the radio next will be our song, ok?” Marissa says to Ryan, before tuning into the dolcet tones of “Ain’t No Game” by B.A.S.K.O. Jk, they settle on a cover of “Forever Young,” because The OC, created in the mix CD golden age, was proof that all your most romantic moments should be punctuated with a perfect song.

True, maybe you can’t manifest “Champagne Supernova” every time you try a Spiderman kiss with your boyfriend, and maybe “Hallelujah” doesn’t play whenever you’re having a culmination of dramatic moments. Still, try to find a signature song to encapsulate your relationship, and all the post-adolescent angst that comes with it.

And finally, the couple that horses around together, stays together

Captain Oats and Princess Sparkles forever.

[Image via The C.W.]

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