Mary Grace Garis
October 29, 2015 8:17 am

At the end of Addams Family Values, Wednesday and her boyfriend, Baby David Krumholtz, are talking marriage in the graveyard, with Wednesday vehemently in the “nah” camp. “But what if you met just the right man who worshipped and adored you, who’d do anything for you, who’d be your devoted slave? What would you do?” Asks Baby Krumholtz. “I’d pity him,” Wednesday deadpans.

And if you’ve read any of my previous columns you’ll know, that’s me, pigtails to scowl. But the secret is this: my most ambitious dream is to have a romance like Gomez and Morticia Addams, as they are the very epitome of #relationshipgoals.

That isn’t my usual sassy claim, too, I hand to God don’t think you could find a more perfect relationship than theirs. From the 1938 New Yorker cartoons to the 2010 Broadway musical, it’s no doubt that the Addams clan have gone through many iterations. Yet one thing is constant: the fact that Morticia and Gomez are madly (stress on mad) in love with each other.

And using the early ’90s flicks as a guideline, here is everything The Addams Family taught me about cemetery sex, the perks of being bilingual, and the old ball and chain.

Apparently speaking French is like, a huge turn on.

I say “apparently” because in my 6 years of dating I can NOT for the life of me say anything in French properly. I consistently pronounce “hors d’oeuvres” as “horse devours,” so that’s my reality. But every time Morticia says “deja vu” or whatever offhand, Gomez is suddenly scaling up her arm, so the implication is that it’s a good skill to have.

Everyone expresses their love differently

Guys, all implications point to Morticia and Gomez have a safe, consensual (and apparently pretty gratifying) relationship, and they’re kind of into some alternative stuff. Open your eyes. It’s in there. I embrace it for what it is. That all said, the Addams family seems to have a superhuman resistance, so I would maaaaybe keep the red-hot pokers out of the bedroom. Just a thought.

Also there is no place too sacred to showcase PDA

I mean, I get offended when people at the bar are getting too touchy-feely, make no mistake. But the Addams family PDA all over the place at the family graveyard. Nevertheless, I applaud Gomez and Morticia for their…adventurous spirit, so to speak. Even at the threat of death, they still try to fit in a make out sesh.

You have to support each otherĀ 

Dark times fell on the Addams family when Fester took control of the house and forced the rest to live in a motel, with a broken Gomez watching reruns of Gilligan’s Island. Tragedy struck again when Debbie tried to bogart the Addams fortune for herself. While Gomez spiraled into a crazed depression each time, mama lion, shade-slinging (“Pastels?”) Morticia stepped up to save the day. And when Morticia herself got captured? Gomez jumps through a window to save her. YEAH. Together they demonstrate a remarkable fortitude, and it’s all in the efforts to take care of the others’ wellbeing.

Reciprocity is a key element to any successful relationship

“Cara mia!” “Mon cher!” It’s only one of the verbal couplings the pair trade back and forth, and though it appears a running gag, there’s potency in their words. Because Morticia is ghoulishly coy, sometimes it seems Gomez has a one-sided obsession. Not true. Their dialogues, the banter between them (and that banter is heated, I can’t get through it without needing a cigarette) reflect back and forth how in love they are with each other. “To live without you, only that would be torture,” Gomez tells Morticia. “A day alone, only that would be death,” she purrs back.

Yes, at the end of the day, Gomez and Morticia are equal in everything, love included, and that makes for a successful pairing. So while I’m keeping my braids tightly plaited for the next, you know, 5 to 10 years, I anticipate finding my own Gomez someday. Maybe then I can start thinking about marriage, children, and seeking out the dark forces to join their hellish crusade.

Sigh. Everything a modern woman could want.

[Image via Paramount Pictures]

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