Mary Grace Garis
December 31, 2015 7:28 am

With a soundtrack that kills and a surreal quality that warms my hipster chick heart, I have both loved and lived Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World. Actually, heavy emphasis on the “lived” part: I’ve tapped on this before, but my BFF and I sorta dated the same guy at the same time, and the legend places her as Knives, me as Ramona, and our ex as a sociopath. It worked out in the end…we probably wouldn’t date the same guy again unless it was Michael Cera—in which case, game on. Yet despite having experienced the more trying elements of the 2010 flick, I would definitely say I get #relationshipgoals from Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World. I mean, I do love me some Cera.

Again, I’m boldly referring to the movie and have yet to read the comic book series, although it’s never too late to get me a Christmas present. Either way, Scott Pilgrim’s tangled web of exes (seven of the Ramonas, some of them his own) is a great story of what to do with love… or what not to do with love ever. Either/or.

So because it’s cooling down like Canadian springtime, this is everything Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World delayed break-ups, delayed “I loves you”, and trying to live in the present when you’re being pursued by a slew of evil exes. One, two, three, four!

Maybe don’t date a high schooler unless you’re in high school.

I’m sure there are Scott and Knives shippers out there, but bleh, the beginning of the movie makes it so hard for me to ever get behind it. Guys, you know how I feel about inappropriate relationships with minors, and it seems like everyone in this film is with me on that. Even with an innocuous relationship that stops before hand-holding, you don’t wanna go there, on either end.

For my recently dumped 20-somethings who are eying the cute 17-year-old barista at Starbucks (we’ve all been there), take Julie’s words to heart: “Dating a high schooler is a mourning period.” And for my teenage sweeties who think it’s totes normal for a 22-year-old to be into you, heed Wallace’s warning: “You’re too good for him. Run.”

You should probably break up with your fake high school girlfriend before you date someone else.

Scott neglects to do this and it leads to a lot of heartbreak and at least one death (thank God he had that extra life). There’s nothing wrong with Scott’s instantaneous attraction to Ramona; you can’t help being attracted to some cool ass chick with multicolored hair and an arsenal of teas, that’s just a reality of life. There is however, something deeply wrong with how Scott handles he relationship with Knives…that is, “not at all.” The right thing to do (again, according to everyone Scott knows) was to break it off with her before feelings deepened and, well, he technically started cheating on both of them.

Don’t wait too long to say the “L” word. 

Because you don’t want to try to stop your main squeeze from leaving with their ex with a hasty, “I’m in lesbians with you.”

You’ll eventually get over the ex who destroyed you.

My favorite behind-the-scenes subplot is how Envy Adams left Scott a bereft mess. Slightly-Younger Brie Larsen exudes cool, and tbh Scott isn’t all that innocent at the end of the day. On some level his heart could use a good kick in the ass.

Regardless of my feelings, we’re supposed to understand that Envy is did a number on Scott after dumping him, becoming casually world famous and hooking up with some awful vegan pretty boy. That’s rough, and we’ve all felt sick to our stomachs every time our former beloved’s Cancun trip ends up in our newsfeed, arms around what seems to be You 2.0. The bad news is that these break-ups will hurt for a while and lead us with wonky hair cuts. The good news is that one day you’ll find someone magical to be with, and, failing that, you can just headbutt your ex’s new S.O. until they burst.

It’s really important to get past someone’s romantic history. With physical brawls or otherwise.

To elaborate on this: Scott Pilgrim isn’t really about Scott’s relationship with Ramona so much as it’s about a revolving door of relationships within his Toronto underground community. Even just containing it to our hero you have subdued Kim’s resentment of Scott, Scott recovering from Envy, Scott reconciling with Knives, Knives revenge-dating Young Neil to get back with Scott…it’s a sexual-romantical free-for-all. Thing is, post-adolescent relationships are born of and breed a lot of hurt, because there’s just too many social dynamics in the world. You know, Scott Pilgrim’s world, or otherwise.

That’s why, although he has to confront the legion of exes and all that jazz, Scott has to confront his own insecurities before he’s able to walk off into the sunset with Ramona…just the two of them. With love, you want to find someone worth fighting for, but it’s only able to work when you’re able to cut out outside drama and schedule brunch with your own inner demons.

[Image via Universal Pictures]

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