Mary Grace Garis
October 15, 2015 10:01 am

Last year, after careful consideration, I deemed Gary Oldman the sexiest of Sexy Draculas. Not the sexiest VAMPIRE mind you (oof, that’s a hard totem to construct) but the sexiest guy to portray the international celebrity vampire on film. And I unfairly his sense of romanticism must give him an advantage, because I definitely get #relationshipgoals from his romance with my favorite ‘90s girlfriend Winona Ryder in Bram Stoker’s Dracula.

Now just to clarify that I’m talking about Francis Ford Coppola’s Bram Stoker’s Dracula, not Bram Stoker’s epistolary novel Dracula. I mean, those are two COMPLETELY different monsters. See, Coppola’s take on the classic tale has been a perennial sleepover pick for 12 years, partially because of how it chooses to amp up the romance to 11, and partially because of Dracula’s head-weirdness.

In any case, it is a great (and one of the few) romance-horror (rom-hor?) movie, and somehow still a better love story than Twilight. So here is everything Bram Stoker’s Dracula told me about everlasting love, vampire brides, and Romanian flings.

We all have a type

This is the big thing to take from Bram Stoker’s Dracula: yes, Drac has some vampire side chicks on tap, but he falls hard for Mina, basically because she’s his wife Elisabeta reincarnated. Ok, the reincarnation thing is kind of a cop-out. Still, Dracula proves that sometimes we tend to fall for off-brand versions of our first loves… or rather, we just tend to like the same things in a person. Maybe that’s why all my boyfriends are dark-haired, pale, skinny musicians slash late-shift managers of Wawa. #truleloveneverdies

And we all have someone that we can’t let go of, no matter what

When Dracula sees Mina’s picture and realizes Elisabeta lives through her stunning porcelain visage, he’s like, “Alright, guess I’m going to England now.” Despite his status as a demon rejected from heaven, he’s a big softie. He wants to reclaim his lost love and he’s willing to take a lengthy boat trip with some dirt-filled coffins to have her back. When was the last time a guy did that for you?

You know what’s not sexy? Swapping blood with your true love so you can spend eternity together

I know you’re an adult and I can’t tell you how to live your life, but please, please, please don’t do this. (Also, pretty sure it doesn’t actually work.)

Vampire princes are fun and all, but they’re not necessarily the type of people you want to marry

Alright, this goes against my shipping of Vlad and Mina, I’ll admit. However, if we want to take a step back, vampire boyfriends are historically never GOOD for you. They drain your blood, they enslave your fiance, they entrance your best friend for weird graveyard sex, idk. I’ll pick passion over placidity any day, believe me. But even after her enchanting week with Vlad, I can kinda get how Mina is like, “It’s been real, but I made a commitment to my fiance, so I’m just gonna become Mrs. Keanu Reeves.”

Not that Mina knew what she’d be getting into, and it isn’t that Jonathan is the better choice anyway (I mean, duh, of course not). But it’s fine to go for someone easier and less mired in evil. Being a vampire bride is rough. Ask the vampire brides about that one.

True love is real even when you’re old and gray. Or a scary wolf-ape

Or a bat-demon. Or a regular bat. Or green mist. Or steampunk. Or whatever this is. Listen, we can’t discount that Dracula probably has Mina under some kind of thrall that makes her go ga-ga for him, which is KIND of cheating as far as love goes. But if you took that away, there is a story about how Mina fell for a charming prince and stuck around even when he became a despicable monster.

Generally, I don’t think you should stick around for despicable monsters. For this, though, consider the following: it’s one thing to meet someone as your best, most charismatic, most dolled up self and have them fall for you. But it’s REAL when they still think you’re divine if you, for example, have a gigantic zit on your face, or are, you know, the prince of darkness. Real love prevails when someone is able to respect all sides of you, so maintain positive thoughts that that person is out there. And that, God willing, they won’t have to stake you through the heart when things get way too real.

SIGH, undead boyfriends, amirite?

[Image via Columbia Pictures]

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