My Mom's New Hobby Is My Dog's Worst Nightmare
This is my dog, Indiana Bones. I know what you’re thinking. And, yes. This is the greatest pun EVER.
Indy is a 5-year-old golden retriever who enjoys long walks on the beach and getting caught in the rain. She is VERY opinionated about Snoop Lion’s recent name change and Air Bud’s controversial doping allegations. She is also the cutest thing since sliced bread.
My mom has sent me a picture of a dressed up Indiana every day since I left for my sophomore year of college… 137 days ago. Pictures often have themes modeled after big family events or national holidays (i.e. weddings, Thanksgiving). The photos are always accompanied by a caption, which are tailored to the recipient. “It’s not enough to just be beautiful anymore. Education is key. Keep studying, Mia!”
This is not abnormal behavior for Mom. My senior year of high school, I jokingly complained that I never got napkin notes in my lunch bag anymore. So, in rebuttal, she created a serialized comic strip from the perspective of the two halves of my dinosaur cutout peanut butter sandwiches named “Francis&Claire.”
I know that dressing up Indy may not seem like a large feat, but take into consideration that objectively speaking, Indiana is the worst behaved dog.
To exemplify this, here is a list of things that Indy has ruined/scarred for life/eaten within the past three days: a Christmas stocking, a 7×8 in. piece of drywall, half of a lizard, my California burrito, my brother’s California burrito and a partridge from the pear tree in our backyard (I took some creative license here. It was more likely a finch or sparrow).
When she was a puppy, we took her to obedience school. After the first lesson, the instructor handed us Indy’s leash that had been gnawed into two pieces and said in defeated tone, “I’m sorry, there is nothing we can do here.” So to get Indy to sit still with a turkey hat on is equivalent in difficulty to Hannibal’s crossing of the Alps with elephants. My mom’s patience, dedication and commitment are the things that Lifetime Original Movies are made of.
Before anyone goes calling the ASPCA and playing Sarah McLachlan outside our house in protest, it is important to note that no Indianas were harmed in the making of these special memories. She is always rewarded with a well-deserved dog treat and a new heightened sense of self.
Mom plans on continuing these little photo shoots for a full year. Some might call this overkill, but I call it love… and overkill. My mother bore me and swaddled me and raised me in a protected environment blah blah blah, but this dog in a turkey hat is all the reassurance I will ever need to prove that mom will always be there for me.
In conclusion, moms are the best. Dogs are the best. Moms and dogs together are THE BEST.
Happy New Year, everybody!
Images via author