Sarah Weir
August 27, 2014 12:31 pm

Dear Sarah,

Help—please! I recently saw a section of text from my (usually lovely and caring) boyfriend to his best friend that made me squirm! He told her that I wasn’t a big turn on and that he only got intimate with me when I took initiative. I freaked out inside.

The thing is, since then, I´ve made it my mission to make him happy. I was surprised to discover that this makes me happier too—but I can’t shake the hurt.

Is it okay for significant others to share very personal information with their friends? How can I stop worrying about what I’m doing right or wrong (and whether or not he’ll report about it later) and just enjoy the damn sex?

—Cringing in the UK

Dear Cringing,

Since the invention of the locker room (or sleepover party) friends have always shared details about their relationships with other friends—the thing is, usually we don’t find out about it. Nowadays, texting and email make it much easier to snoop and discover what someone else is spilling about you and yes, that revelation can hurt.

What you’ve recognized is that learning about his inner secrets may have actually improved your relationship. Now, in order to banish that weirdness that’s going to be hanging over your love life, I suggest you take it a step further. Admit to him what you discovered and how mortifying it was, but also how it gave you some insight into his needs. Open up a frank conversation about what works for BOTH of you. Yes, it’s terminally awkward, but it will improve and deepen your relationship.

It’s also reasonable to be upfront about what you feel cool with him sharing with his friends. You may not be able to control it, but at least you will have let him know your expectations.

Love, Sarah

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