No, three is not a crowd.

Advertisement
Getty Images

A couple of years ago, I decided that I wanted to embark on something that had always been on my bucket list: a threesome. Because I was single at the time, my best option was to find a nice couple to have casual and platonic sex with—no strings attached, just a good time with some good people. Luckily, this was easier than I thought. 

I found my dream couple—we'll call them Mark and Jen—through Feeld, an app designed for “curious couples and singles.” They were charismatic, respectful, a little hippyish, in love, and attractive. After our first date to a concert (aka our chemistry test), they invited me over to their apartment for some wine and conversation. Knowing full well that our relationship could only escalate so far in public, I said yes, and the rest is history.

Threesomes are great. There’s an extra body; an extra set of hands; and a playful, palpable energy that you’re participating in something taboo. But they can also be extremely delicate—feelings are almost always involved, and there’s the potential for awkwardness and jealousy to occur. Below are some tips to make your first threesome a seamless (and great) experience. 

Select a couple carefully 

Finding a couple may take a bit of time. In my experience, some were too aggressive (I could tell from their incessant sexting) while others seemed like they'd have potential jealousy issues (I’d only be allowed to hook up with the girl). And I was really hesitant to get myself into a situation I’d ultimately regret.

In my opinion, the ideal couple is respectful, chill, and solid in their relationship. If either of them seems uncomfortable with the situation, it will be uncomfortable for you, too. Whether you meet the couple online or in real life, definitely take note of their chemistry before throwing yourself into the equation. If it’s a couple you’ll see again (like friends), think really hard about whether or not your friendship can survive a threesome. Some can, but I think it can potentially become more awkward if you’re going to regularly see that person for brunch.

In terms of finding the right couple for you, sex educator Javay Frye suggests using apps. “They’re specific ones that allow interested parties to connect, rather than something random—like Tinder—where you’re missing more than you’re hitting,” Frye tells HelloGiggles. These apps include #Open and Feeld, which have a younger demographic than traditional hookup websites like Adult Friend Finder or Fetlife

Talk beforehand

As is true in any sexual relationship, communication is key. I recommend going on a first date with your chosen couple (if you don’t already know them) to make sure there is a solid energy flow between the three of you. If that’s good to go, take some time to discuss things like boundaries, desires, rules, and roles before having intercourse. 

“Having clear boundaries is key to having a good threesome experience,” says holistic sex coach Cara Kovacs. “How will protection be used? Do the people involved have any hard no's? Ask the couple to show you what they like. Relax together and authentically connect, just like in any hookup. That is the most important part!”

Roll with the vibe

Even if you establish crystal-clear rules and expectations for your threesome, leave space for the unexpected. Keep in mind that there are three people, which can make it harder to finagle certain positions or find ways to include everyone. Accept that this will be a different sexual experience and that you don’t know exactly what to expect.

Remember to take breaks if you need them. And if you don’t feel like you can reach orgasm, or if you sense either member of the couple might be struggling to do so, don’t stress. The goal of your threesome isn’t necessarily to climax but rather to have fun. 

Have an escape plan

Even if things are going well, it’s good to know what your plan is for the end of the evening. Some couples might invite you to stay the night, but others prefer that the night ends after having sex.

If you want to spend the night in your own bed, just let them know. You can say, “I think I’m going to head out now.” But if it seems like they want some alone time, don’t take it too personally. A threesome is a vulnerable experience for everyone involved, and that includes the couple, too.

Remember, you’re the hot commodity 

Finding a good couple might be hard, but finding a great third is even harder. In fact, a womxn willing to have a threesome with a couple is playfully called a “unicorn,” because society apparently feels that a womxn willing to have casual sex with a couple is a total rarity. (Which sounds pretty sexist IMO, but that’s another story.)

“My biggest piece [of advice] for thirds is to remember that your pleasure is just as important as the couple's (or other individuals involved),” says Frye. “You need to be respected and given attention just as [much as] anyone else involved.”

In any case, if you decide to have a threesome it should be because you are looking to explore your sexuality. You have the power to set the rules and terms. And remember: You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.