Margeaux Baulch Klein
August 03, 2017 4:22 pm
Monica Schipper / Getty

Love and relationships have always been a goldmine of material for comedians, so it’s not surprising that so many funny love quotes result from comics riffing on romance. Whether ensconced in a standup set or a comedy book, funny relationship quotes are a given when a comedian puts pen to paper (or text to tweet) and considers the absurdity that is two humans attempting to love each other. From dating to marriage (and all of the relationship stages in between), here’s what 16 female comedians had to say about matters of the heart.

1Margaret Cho

“My boyfriend and I live together, which means we don’t have sex — ever. Now that the milk is free, we’ve both become lactose intolerant.”

2Linda Hill

“Women, we like to be romanced. We like to be wined, dined — maybe there’s a single rose and some dancing — and then we feel close enough to you to have sex with you. Men, on the other hand, like to have sex with you; then they feel close enough to talk to you.”

3Whitney Cummings

“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.”

4Vanessa Hollingshead

“When I say to a guy, ‘Look, we’ve gotta talk,’ what I really mean is, ‘We’ve been together for months. I’ve now twisted my personality into an emotional pretzel to accommodate your every need. I want to know your idea of commitment versus my idea of commitment. Are we getting married? Are we having kids? Are we going to couples counseling? Where’s this relationship going? I want to know.’ When a guy says to me, ‘Look, we’ve gotta talk,’ what he means is, ‘I want to have sex with someone else, and will this interfere with me having sex with you.'”

5Chelsea Peretti

“If you text ‘I love you’ to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back.”

6Ellen DeGeneres

“I like my coffee like I like my men. I don’t drink coffee.”

7Mindy Kaling

“True love is singing karaoke ‘Under Pressure’ and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part.”

8Rita Rudner

“Before I met my husband, I’d never fallen in love. I’d stepped in it a few times.”

9Joan Rivers

“My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it’s missing, and what’s there stinks.”

10Bonnie McFarlane

“I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, ‘Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!'”

11Chelsea Handler

“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”

12Anita Wise

“I think the thing to remember when you’re looking for true love is just keep your hopes up. ‘Cause you never know, you could round a corner and bump into Mr. You Might Do.”

13Kellye Howard

“I’m happy with my relationship status: I’m about to get married. I just don’t know to who yet.”

14Kristeen Von Hagen

“Good news: I have a boyfriend. But the bad news is I’m not good in relationships. I get all jealous. I don’t even like to see my boyfriend talking to his wife.”

15Kathy Griffin

“Most people unfamiliar with the men in a new town might search for love until they find it. I picked out some guy on my second day in L.A., who worked at the local bicycle shop, and handed my virginity to him. ‘You can fill a tire? Sounds good to me. Let’s call it a date.’ Needless to say he wasn’t Mr. Right.”

16Roseanne Barr

“You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps.”