For those of you who listen to The Heatley Cliff podcast, you will know that Sheryl and I are NSLPs (Non-Sexual Life Partners).

What a joy it was to finally find someone who is EXACTLY like me in almost every way – except for maybe that she likes the band The National (blech) and getting her picture taken (not me! notice how I am hiding behind her). Do you have someone in your life that might be your NSLP? If you can answer yes to the majority of the questions below, then I would say you’ve got yourself a keeper. If you answer mostly no, then this might not be friendship of your dreams.

  • Is this person either the first or second person you call when something really great happens to you?
  • Do you know without a doubt that this person will be thrilled with your news and not jealous or feel the need to play “the devil’s advocate” with said news? I hate the bloody devil’s advocate, by the way – he/she is a spoil sport.
  • Is this person either the first or second person you call when something really terrible happens to you?
  • Will this person, after hearing your story, know exactly what to say to make you feel better (and again not feel the need to play devil’s advocate or Pollyanna – sometimes Pollyanna can be just as annoying)?
  • Could you go on a trip for a month with this person and not resent their company?
  • Do you have at least one favorite movie in common?
  • Would this person do something illegal for you (as long as it didn’t hurt yourselves or others)?
  • Do you find this person talks the perfect amount?
  • Do you find it totally comfortable to be next to this person without saying anything at all, even if it’s for hours?
  • Do you have at least one favorite song in common?
  • When this person calls you on your bullshizz, does he/she do it in such a way that you do not feel defensive?
  • Are you willing to talk about this person’s newest crush for hours? Dissecting every personality trait and stalking them on the internet for previously hidden nuggets of hotness?
  • If this person’s heart has been broken, are you willing to do the same things as stated above, except obviously while stalking on the Internet, you are also looking for proof all along of douchebaggery?
  • Is it not uncommon for you, while shopping, to see something this person would love and get it for them even if it is not their birthday? Does this person do the same for you?
  • Do you and this person have a similar aesthetic? Is he or she the only person in the world who would appreciate your ceramic Persian cat collection or set of antique souvenir spoons?
  • Do you have at least one favorite TV show in common?
  • Does this person always build you up and make you feel beautiful even on days when you know you are bloated and your hair is brutal?
  • If both of you met a really awesome guy/girl at the same time, would you concede to this person if you knew that the awesome guy/girl was actually better suited to your friend? Do you know without a doubt that they would do the same for you?
  • Would this person take your kids for more than 24 hours in an emergency? Even if the emergency is get these friggin’ kids away from me before I pull all my hair out and/or start drinking?
  • Do you have at least one favorite book in common?
  • Would you consider getting matching tattoos with this person?
  • Are you unafraid to admit your deepest, darkest secrets with this person, knowing full well that they would neither judge you nor betray that secret?
  • Does this person give it to you straight, even though you might not like what he/she is saying?
  • Can you depend on this person not to let you out of the store in an outfit that makes your ass look way bigger than it is (and not in a hot JLo way)?
  • Do you feel that this person understands you in a way that no one else, including your romantic partner, does?
  • If for some inexplicable reason you two had a massive argument, would you be willing to admit wrongdoing (even if you were SURE that you were right) in order to preserve the friendship, knowing that people will sometimes push those closest to them away when they are in pain?
  • Would you hold back this person’s hair if they were barfing, put a cool compress on their head if they had a fever, hold their hand until you could no longer feel your own in hospital and talk to them until you lost your voice in order to assure them that everything was going to be okay?
  • Do you sometimes think, no matter how much you love your partner and children, that you are likely to end up living with this person when you are old?

Did I miss something? Do you have a deal breaker when it comes to a best friend? Let me know, or better yet, let your best friend know how much they mean to you.