About every fortnight, my blood starts tickling for a girls night out. It’s been that way ever since going to clubs was an option. A man has never experienced a girls night out for obvious reasons. He may have witnessed one in a club but that’s not enough to decode the opposite gender’s behavior. So here’s a little guide to what goes on when your girlfriend is like: “Are you sure you don’t want a night out with the boys this Friday?” (Correct answer? Yes. Yes, you do.)
1. We talk about you.
But not in a bad way, and only very rarely and in extreme cases do we disclose intimate details. We still don’t want you to know what we talk about, though, because it’s like a secret and sometimes embarrassing language. Like, we were talking about pizza and now I’m describing how my wedding dress is going to look. In detail. And who my bridesmaids would be. See? I told you you didn’t want to know.
2. We talk about people we used to know.
This includes wild guesses about what their lives are like as we speak, and sometimes dementia-fueled details about what they used to be like back in primary school/high school/first year.
3. We bring out the dance moves that are reserved only for people who know us very well.
Our girlfriends have already known us for long enough to know that we’re completely nuts. So if, after three Jaegerbombs, we decide that ‘dropping it like it’s hot’ is a good dance move, they don’t judge. Because they’re currently doing the same thing. Now, if you cut the same shapes when your boyfriend is there, that hypothetical wedding dress from number 1 will slowly (or very quickly, depending on how quickly you ‘drop it’) disappear into the ether.
4. We compliment each other.
We know each other’s insecurities and spend the night healing each other’s bruised egos. We may sound like we’re lashing out those false compliments like we’re the cast of Mean Girls, but what guys don’t get is that this is my best friend and her boobs are awesome. Because guys don’t have boobs. And quite often, they’re also lacking in the bruised ego department.
5. We don’t go out to meet guys.
Making an effort to meet guys on a girls night out is one of the biggest mistakes you could ever make. It’s like inviting the CEO of a multinational, evil oil company to a Green Peace party.
6. We dress up for a ridiculously long time!
Because men don’t go, “That is a fantastic nail polish!” and mean it. When we’re getting ready, it’s mostly so we can raid each other’s makeup bags, and give and receive even more compliments for things we own and how we look. We all know that after we get to the club, the perfect hair and makeup disappears very quickly. Like, by the time we’ve bought a drink and placed ourselves firmly on the dance floor, that eyeshadow will be in our hair. Or one of our friends’ hair.
7. Sometimes, we never make it out.
I have several friends who are incurable chatterboxes and it suits me perfectly because, frankly and with a lot of self insight, I just can’t shut up. This means that sometimes, getting ready, consuming a bottle of wine each, eating food lathered in cheese and discussing everyone we know can turn a girls night out into a girls night in. And in the end, it doesn’t matter if we end up on the sofa with even more wine instead of dancing, because despite all the effort we’ve just put into our looks, that was only for ourselves and our girlfriends anyway.
8. A final tip…
If you’re a man and you spot a group of 2-20 females in a club by themselves, you’re probably thinking: ‘Score!’ Wrong. None of us put on 5 inch heels and some very intricate false lashes for you because you don’t appreciate the complicated state of affairs that is getting ready for a girls night out anyway. So please refrain from trying to lick our faces. (Yes, this actually happened to one of my friends. Disgusting at the time but it’s a good story.)
Ingrid is a Norwegian girl blogging about life as a student in Scotland, fashion, food and occasional random posts about things that actually matter. Read more on her Blog and follow her on Instagram @charmingimsure.
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