Why Don't They Want Me?
If you’ve recently gotten dumped or you can’t fit in with the crowd you want to hang out with, this is a blog for you. Firstly, I am sorry you are here because it’s definitely painful and lonely – but know that this is not forever, it’s not because of anything being wrong with you, and it’s actually a gift in disguise.
“I got dumped but I still love them – why won’t they love me back?”
If this is your situation, first, I want to ask you to examine your reasons for wanting this relationship. The one you don’t have at the moment. Think about the person or people you’re pursuing or have recently lost. Did you fall into a state of extreme “want” with this relationship? How does it feel? What yearns inside you for this? Is it something about social status or is it the idea of a relationship with that person?
If you want this relationship even though the other half of it doesn’t want you, I want you to acknowledge the fact that the relationship you want so badly is not real. This is step 1. What you want so badly is an idea of something and not in reality, that thing. Who you love or want, is not who they are in reality. What you had imagined existed and fell in love with, that turned out to not exist –that is what you are mourning, not the fact that they don’t like you. Your dream is not real. The fact that you feel it has something to do with you and what’s wrong with you is being inspired by feeling vulnerable to this other person – like you’re handing over control to the other person, how you feel. It’s also because you’re weakened and chemically depleted by the temporary sadness.
Yes, it feels like it’s about you – likely because this shaking-of-your-foundation has brought up your insecurities, (hell, we all have ‘em) and when you’re in pain, that’s the easiest thing to look at and attribute as the controllable source of that pain. “It must be coming from my fat ass—” is much more easy to accept than “This person is not in reality who I thought they were or want them to be.”
“Why don’t the cool kids like me?”
If this is about a group and you want in but they will not accept you, this is a bit different because you have no notion of who they are – in fact, you’re likely confused about what is going on in their mind. “What could possibly be wrong with me that they don’t like me? Why will they not accept me?”
If this is you, here’s your step 1.
I want you to examine the thing you want so badly. If they are not nice to you and inviting to you, then they are not good or positive for your life. They don’t deserve you. Friendship should be easy and fun. It shouldn’t be exclusive and mean or expect you to be different than you are.
“But I know they like me, what’s the deal?”
If you genuinely like this person or group of people, check to see if maybe you’re forcing it. If this is about you demonstrating that you are true and good, it might take some time. Try not to force intimacy because it’s not the kind of thing you want to rush. You must allow it to build. Trust the relationship and allow it to bloom at its own pace. If you’re trying to rush a relationship, you might be sending out the wrong signals. If you put yourself in their shoes – you wouldn’t like you either. That energy might be coming from a fear that it will go away or even an eagerness and excitement that you have finally found it. Both are going to take you away from enjoying the actual relationship so don’t get too lost in this “extreme want.” Maintain a focus on you and your own life, separate from this relationship. In other words, keep building equity in yourself and what is great and special about you, for you.
“Why doesn’t anyone like me? Why am I different than everyone else?”
If you’re in a position where you’re lonely and trying to find friends and you feel weird and like no one likes you – I am guessing you are a special breed of person. I don’t mean this in a lame “Hey, looks like someone needs a hug—” kinda way. I mean this literally: if you’re different, you’re special. Do not erase that about yourself.
You want to foster all that makes you unique and bring out your voice because one day that’s going to be worth gold. That is your greatest asset – what makes you unique. I know how that feels though – it’s confusing because everyone around you looks like they know a secret you don’t. They all have a group a click a style. They have their own special parties. Let go of the idea of that being “great” because in the grand scheme, it means nothing. It only means something to you because you cannot have it and it feels lonely right now. Know that there is someone out there for you – we all have a tribe. But when it comes to special breeds, we have to find them somewhere new – they gather in special places, which is likely in a place you have not yet discovered.
You’ll find it far from this click. I know that doesn’t help you now – so here’s what I want you to do. Your step 1 is to focus on building yourself and protecting everything that makes you special. Do more of what you like and find interesting, even if no one else does. Build your confidence and do not allow yourself to wallow in pity. Smile and wink at yourself. Build what is strong inside you – your knowledge, your health, your happy chemicals. Do this and do not focus on what you want to have that is not in reality of value at all in this life.
Because what is the most popular and attractive is confidence. It terrifies all others who love sameness. All you have to do to be loved is be confident and love yourself. It is enchanting. And wait to find your tribe. They will recognize you immediately and you, them. And you will likely never separate, again. It will be sooo worth it to be you, then.
Whether it’s love or friends or a click – even though it’s painful and lonely, know that this is a gift in disguise. This loss or void is trying to show you that you are meant for greater things. If you can just see it as one, you can unlock massive greatness and advance to the next level of your awesome life – where there are sooo many more joys than you would ever get in these relationships.
So why don’t they like you?
You want to find an answer in someone else’s mind. It doesn’t exist. The answer is there is nothing wrong with you at all. The only thing that’s wrong is that belief: that it must be you.
Love and friendship will come naturally when it’s right, if it’s real, it will be plain as day. If it’s not, it’s not good for you. Follow happiness and love and mutual attraction. Listen only to that. Embrace only that. When you find the right relationship, it will take nothing other than you being honestly yourself. The truth of your bond will be simple and clear. Past that, intimacy is built with kindness, bravery and care. Friendship is built with shared fun and shared relief. If you want someone despite the fact that they don’t want you, the real question you should be asking is, why don’t you like you? Because if that person doesn’t like you, it means they don’t deserve you. This is not a valuable relationship to you. The fact that you want it anyway is really your problem, because love and strong relationships start with you and your relationship with yourself. Having love for yourself is what makes you lovable. And beautiful. And whole.
“But maybe it’s about my looks…”
If you think it’s because of something wrong with your looks, you’re looking at the wrong thing. Instead of looking around the room for the person who’s right for you – you’re looking at an image of your body and circling what’s wrong. Check the “good to go” box. And keep focusing on what it is you want.
In all situations, this all comes down to building your confidence.
Part 2: How to make positive change?
If you’re stuck in self-criticism mode, you’re basically going to take yourself to counseling. First, make a promise to yourself to take action toward relief. Second, start a routine that rebuilds the bond between you and yourself with a little, “I love me itinerary” that you complete everyday for one month.
Get ready for a Month of Me!
First, write in your journal how you feel about yourself now and how you will learn to feel about yourself. Next, promise yourself – in the mirror – to work on better loving you. These are the daily practices you will commit to doing everyday for one month so that you can strengthen your relationship with yourself and build confidence.
Step 1: Start with an oral inventory: write in your journal what it is you say the most often to yourself and if it can be more supportive or positive, decide to change it right now. Write your new sentence down in your journal so you can remember it, for example, mine is, “Yeah girl!” Also, I say it in a funny voice. Out loud. Check in on your sweet and supportive self-verbiage everyday.
Step 2: Smile and wink at yourself every time you’re in a mirror
Step 3: Eat foods you enjoy and none you hate.
Step 4: Eat whole foods that are healthy, meaning things that once grew in dirt or once breathed air. No, we’re not deciding on a Fritos diet for a month.
Step 5: Pick out a new book or podcast that broadens your horizons. You’re going to take this in everyday. So for example buy a new eBook or subscribe to one new educational blog or podcast.
Step 6: Court yourself. Each day you will practice one self-loving act as though you were in a new relationship with you. Treat yourself like you are enamored! For example, create a romantic herbal bath for yourself with candles and your favorite kind of music. Even small things like applying an extra moisturizing hand lotion or giving yourself a big hug when you wake up in the morning. Basically, go out of your way to do something nice for yourself everyday.
Step 7: Write one thing that is great about you in your journal. They have to be different, each day.
I hope you enjoy this and that they help you see how amazingly awesome you really are. Because whether or not you can tell, it’s true. And once you know that – everyone else will too.
For more of my writing and my eBook series, visit me at Teaspoon of Happy. If you prefer to listen, here’s the podcast version of this blog! If you like it, please review me on iTunes! It helps me a lot a lot!!!!
Happy Sunday lovely friends! xoxo Sarah May B.
Featured image via Flickr