I constantly get asked the dreaded question: “How is your love life going?” My uncles, who were all married at age 20, would ask me about any boyfriends from just about middle school through to high school. Why I would need a boyfriend in 6th grade is beyond me. Besides, I never managed to tell my crush how I felt. I was still drawing hearts and rainbows in my pink fuzzy diary.
College was a little easier since they probably assumed I had plenty of boyfriends and went to awesome frat parties. I didn’t. I don’t really remember what I did in college. All I know is that it went by too fast.
As years went by and I kept saying no to dating, the conversations about marriage, babies, and boyfriends ceased. I never brought up any boys, at least any realistic suitors that didn’t include any of the following:
- James McCoy
- Charlie Hunnam
- Ryan Gosling
- Justin Timberlake
- Diego Luna
- Gael Garcia Bernal
I have said to myself countless times that if I really wanted someone, I will put myself out there. The truth of the matter is I don’t. Here’s why:
The timing is pretty bad right now
We all know that timing is everything. I have seen it countless times before (no pun intended). Right now, I am still in this weird transitional period where I am still looking for a steady job and paying all my bills. I don’t have time to invest in a relationship and worry about other people’s goals and dreams. This might sound harsh but sometimes crushes do get in the way of your professional career. I have seen friends and family reject a grand opportunity to save a relationship. Sometimes you can’t have it both ways and I’m not in place where I’m ready to make compromises.
I want to know myself better first
We are all insecure and I know being with someone can help you. But, as they say, you have to love yourself to be able to give love. I still have a lot of growing up to do and I am still figuring out what I want and who I am. This is about more that just my physical insecurities. I don’t want to feel pretty because someone thinks I’m pretty. I want to feel pretty because I know I’m pretty. I need to develop and strengthen my confidence. As a recent graduate who is still struggling financially, on top of my own individual personal growth, I am not quite there yet.
I just haven’t met the right person
I don’t want to come across as a cold-hearted individual but I really don’t feel anything when it comes to guys. While I’m confident in my heterosexuality, my past dates never thoroughly excited me. I felt like I was just chilling with a friend. There was no romantic attraction. Obviously, if you are not feeling anything, that’s a bad sign. I don’t want to force the chemistry and continue playing the game if my heart isn’t in it in the first place.
I’m afraid of getting hurt
All this reasons pretty much boil down to fear. I am scared to open myself up emotionally. I am scared of being rejected, which is different from never hearing back about a job opportunity. This seems far more personal and, I imagine, devastating. It is just easier for me, emotionally, to not be in a relationship. I’m afraid of liking someone so much I’m willing to risk the pain of a possible breakup.
I don’t have a lot of experience, physically
I am not an affectionate person. More so, I do want to wait until marriage. Being in a relationship means hand holding, cuddling, and kissing. I never really had anyone be physically intimate with me. I pull away from them or blow them off when I find myself in that kind of situation. I am sure if I find the right person, that will change. But I’m on my own timeline, and that’s OK.
[Image via Shutterstock]