Madeleine Aggeler
February 03, 2017 6:09 pm
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So you’re diving back into the murky, turbulent waters of the Tinder dating pool.

You left us for a while — maybe to explore a serious relationship, pursue your professional ambitions, or join a kickball league. Maybe you were just burnt out and needed a break after your last date revealed they were an antique doll collector. In any case, welcome back! Come on in, the water’s tepid!

Whether you’re looking for something serious, trying to get laid, or just trolling for compliments, Tinder can be an exciting, titillating, and baffling place. You’re going to ask a lot of questions, feel a lot of feelings, and think a lot of thoughts. Thoughts like:

1How do I craft the perfect bio?

I want to let people know that I’m fun and smart, but also kind of emotionally fragile, so please don’t mess with my heart.

2There seem to be a lot of “fitness enthusiasts” on here.

What if they make me do pushups on our first date or worse – suggest we do something outdoorsy?!

3Seriously, am I the only person on here who doesn’t have a picture with an elephant?

Where are people finding all of these elephant friends? I want one.

4Photo quality should be a solid B+.

If the pictures are too professional, I feel like I’m either being catfished or lured into a hidden camera reality show — and if pictures are too grainy, I feel like a detective going through security footage.

5“Looking for a chill girl, laid-back, no drama.”

Lol, NOPE.

6Oh gosh, I just matched with someone way out of my league. WHAT DO I DO?!

I’m very flattered, but I also feel like I should tell them I’ve made a terrible mistake? Like, I’m pretty into myself, but they look like a smiling person in a laxatives commercial, and I’m wearing leggings with old peanut butter stains on them.

7I am Aphrodite, goddess of love and beauty, a smooth, sexy woman skilled in the art of seduction.

Look at all of these matches. I don’t even care about the peanut butter on my leggings. I’VE STILL GOT IT.

8I matched with someone I like! What’s a good opening line? I need something #FunFlirtyFresh.

My roommate told me “Don’t bring up their Hogwarts house until at least the third date,” so there goes like 80% of my conversational material. I’ll just go with, “Hey.”

9I actually…kind of like this person.

Is it possible? Are they The One? We like all the same music, and hate all the same pizza toppings.

10Well, that escalated quickly.

One second you’re talking about your favorite vacation spots — and the next thing you know, someone is describing very unsanitary uses for Newman’s Own Blue Cheese Dressing.

11There’s always the next swipe.

Or holding a commitment ceremony with my cat. Whatever.

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