Man looking up woman's skirt in library
Credit: PBNJ Productions/Getty Images

Literary Review’s finalists for “Bad Sex in Fiction” award have been named, and we’re just as lost as you are. We totally didn’t even know being judged for how sexy your fake-sex is was a thing!

According to the Literary Review, they’ve been honoring authors for how not-so-sexy their fictional intercourse is portrayed since 1993. Last year’s award was taken by Morrissey for his reference of “bulbous salutations” in List of the Lost. As if worrying about having bad sex IRL weren’t enough, authors have to think about whether their fictional escapades are good enough? The vicious cycle continues.

Because we couldn’t help ourselves, we dove into the land of faux-lovemaking to see how bad the depictions truly were…And yeah, the sex is pretty bad.

And in case you’re wondering just who the finalists are and why they were nominated, we’ve got the rundown for you!

1. Ethan Canin

A Doubter’s Almanac’s Ethan Canincompared his sexy time to heated tennis match, but with bourbon shots and cheap mattresses.

2. Robert Seethaler

In The Tobacconist, Seethaler’s main character’s thinking about life’s immeasurable beauty is interrupted by whispers of, “Come, sonny boy.”

3. Tom Connolly

In Connolly’s Men Like Air, characters Dilly and Finn seem to be more focused on their passports hitting the floor than the act of it all.

4. Gayle Forman

And in Leave Me, Forman’s description of her character’s being nervous about their first time makes us nervous just reading about it.

5. Erri De Luca

In The Day Before Happiness, De Luca doesn’t do a fine job at convincing us that his character’s pricky “gearshift” is the least bit attractive.

6. Janet Ellis

But, our favorite has got to be Ellis’ mentions of livestock and farming while her characters get it on in The Butcher’s Hook.

Honestly, writing sex scenes can be a pretty tough job, and we bet this year’s nominees find their honored status as funny as we do. And after all, what’s more universal than the occasional brush with bad sex?