Kit Steinkellner
September 18, 2014 5:20 am

I should put this disclaimer up top, I of course don’t think ALL married people are sick of hearing the following things, I only know that I’m sick of hearing these things at this particular moment in my life. So there is some generalizations going on in the house. The problem is, “Things I As A Married Woman Am Sick Of Hearing And Maybe If You’re Married You’re Sick Of Hearing Them Too, But I Don’t Know For Sure Because I Haven’t Walked A Mile In Your Married Moccasins” was just a stupidly clunky title. So forgive me for my presumption. End of disclaimer. Let’s rock and roll this list.

1. Long And Drawn Out Explanations From Your Friends Regarding Why They Aren’t Married

Let’s just start with my least favorite thing I started hearing after I got engaged and then SUPER started hearing after I got married. “Me and (Significant Other’s Name) haven’t gotten married yet because. . .”  Like me getting married made me head of the Relationship Secret Police. I am not judging ANYONE for being in a relationship or not being in a relationship or making a relationship legal or not or whatever. Marriage isn’t a merit badge. It’s doesn’t make anyone superior to anyone else. It’s just a thing that works for some relationships sometimes. So please stop thinking I’m judging you or I need you to prove anything I DON’T I DON’T. Everybody’s great, let’s go get ice cream no matter what time of day it is, the end.

2. Any Judgment Re: Marriage Paperwork And Business Stuff

I always get weirdness about the fact that I didn’t change my last name. If someone finds out we have prenups, same story. Right now my husband and I keep separate bank accounts, and split expenses just like we did pre-marriage and I’ve gotten some side-eye re: this the few times it’s come up. The only people these decisions affect are my husband and me and we’re FINE with everything, so how come randos are having issues with our marriage business when it doesn’t effect them even the littlest of tiny bits?

3. “So When Are You Guys Going To Have Babies????”

Guess how many times I get asked this? A lot of times. Guess how many times my husband has been asked this? Zero plus zero times. For those of us who are good at math, we know that’s ZERO times. It really bothers me that we get married and he gets to continue being himself and I get turned into A Babymaking Machine That Is Just Waiting To Be Powered Up So It Can Pump Out Infinity Children. Maybe we’ll have kids, maybe we won’t, I honestly don’t know yet, but once I got married I started getting this The Only Reason You Are Alive And On This Planet Is To Reproduce vibe from some people and it just really bugs me.

4. “Where’s Your Husband? Why Didn’t You Bring Your Husband To This Random Event?”

Because I didn’t handcuff us together and then accidentally lose the handcuff keys like we are in a ’90’s multi-cam sitcom. Because I’m not a rich little heiress from a old-timey kid’s chapter book and my husband is not my governess who has to constantly chaperone me and keep me out of trouble. Because I don’t HAVE to bring him everywhere, nor does he have to bring ME everywhere. We’re autonomous beings and that’s why we’ve been able to keep our marriage going. If you’re just curious about where he is, that’s fine, but so often I get this “Why don’t you bring your husband EVERYWHERE YOU GO like a PURSE DOG” attitude and it gets me all grouched up.

5. “You Got Your Happily Ever After!!!”

I love my husband. He loves me. But my husband doesn’t know how to ride a gallant steed, and I don’t own any dresses ridiculous enough to merit Disney Princess-hood, and most importantly, our story isn’t over. And all this fairytale pressure just makes me feel guilty when I’m lazy or he’s grouchy or when we fight about something stupid (or especially when we fight about something NOT stupid), because we’re not perfect people. There’s this pressure to be This Great Example of True Love rather than just being people trying to be okay at being in love. We’re just doing our best, is all. And that should be enough, right? Another question: am I the only one who feels this pressure or are there others out there like me? If so, let’s be friends.

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