Lindsay Burgess
December 18, 2016 11:19 am
antoniodiaz/Shutterstock

Have you ever felt insecure in bed? Even as the world around us becomes more sex-positive, sex remains a pretty taboo topic. And it’s often that women feel insecure in bed and beat themselves up for things they definitely shouldn’t. Maybe it all starts with sex ed – after all, we know that today’s teens are still frustrated with the way sex is depicted in school. And learning how often sexts get shared is enough to put any digital age dater on edge.

And as millennials find themselves too busy to get busy, it’s easy to see why people might worry about experience. But at the end of the day, most of the reasons why women feel insecure in bed are easy enough to overcome. It all comes down to confidence, communication and knowing yourself.  

Overthinking the expectations

Let’s take a step back here: what are your expectations? Chances are, your partner doesn’t expect you to be good in bed — they just want to have a good time with you. (And if we’re being honest, they probably want to see you naked, too). Instead of getting caught up in expectations that make you feel insecure in bed, focus on enjoying yourself and the person you’re with.

Feeling scared of certain positions

Real talk: if you’re not into a position, then it’s going to be tough for both of you. And if something doesn’t feel great, it’s time to change it up. (If you’re nervous to make the move yourself, suggest trying a different position — there’s no reason to keep doing something if it’s not working.) Don’t worry about how you look and don’t worry about how it feels for him. Chances are, if you find an angle that feels awesome for you, your partner will follow suit.

Listening to jerks

First things first: dump the partner who says things like this to you. Cruel comments can make you feel insecure in bed, but chances are, a partner who blames bad sex on you isn’t willing to make the effort —not in bed, and not in the relationship. Sex is a team sport; you win together, and you lose together. Find a partner who treats you like an equal. (And takes equal responsibility for bedtime.)

Not speaking up

Without getting too clinical — you totally deserve to give and get feedback. And sure, it goes a lot better when you focus on the good. But once you feel more confident with someone, you can discuss constructive ideas, too. Keep it positive — mention what feels best, or how a different angle might intensify things for you. “We should totally try…” is a handy phrase in this situation.

Not educating yourself

As a general rule, porn is as unrealistic as sex on TV. It’s made to look good, not to feel good. That said, there is instructional porn if you’re comfortable with watching that kind of thing. And it’s totally okay if you’re not! But know that the information is out there: think talking to your BFF, internet forums, advice columns, podcasts, even research papers on the science of the female orgasm. If you want to know more, you can educate yourself.

Not being body positive

Girl, dial it back a minute. You have the right to feel sexy as hell in any body. If this guy is into you, at least part of that is because something about you turns him on and that’s what matters. It’s time to stop worrying about how someone else sees you and embrace your shape.

Thinking that quantity beats quality

This way of thinking is a vicious circle: if you’re worried about being bad in bed, it’s going to be on your mind when you hit the sheets. Then that uncertainty will shape your next experience — and the memory of it. The loop will keep on repeating itself and you’ll feel insecure in bed until you break the cycle. Allow yourself to be selfish. Focus on what feels good to you, and the rest will follow.

Living in your head

To put it in the most basic terms: a guy’s not gonna stick around if he’s not into you (and the sex). The fact that he’s coming back for more means that you’re doing something right. But if you’re worried about the sex, talk about it. A decent partner will be willing to help you feel more secure.

When you’re not finding the right partners

There are two sides to getting better in bed: figuring out what feels best for you, and learning what feels good for your partner. If you’re open-minded enough to want to improve in bed, let’s assume you’re not “bad” — you’re just running into communication issues. Anyone who’s not willing to communicate with you (about what they like or what they’d like better) just isn’t worth your time. Keep learning what works for you until you find a partner willing to communicate.

Having trouble expressing yourself

As with anything, start off small. If something feels good, say so. Once you get more comfortable with sharing what you like, it gets easier to express yourself and what you want.

Not being true to yourself

The first thing you need to do here is get to know your sexual orientation. If you’re more into sexy time with the ladies, maybe the answer is focusing your romantic energy there. If it’s just that you’re more confident with women, that makes sense too. After all, you know what you like. Follow your heart — or your libido, as the case may be — and have fun.

Being unsure of what you like

Hold the phone… If you’re not enjoying yourself, there’s a bigger problem than just feeling insecure in bed. It could be that you’re not a sexual person, and that’s totally okay. Figure out what turns you on and what feels good for you by spending some “time alone” (or with a partner willing to play along).

Not being with someone who “gets” you

If you like it rough, you’re in good company — you just need to find one of the many others out there who feel the same way. And they are out there, for sure. Everyone has a different idea of what “rough” really means, and you need to make sure you’re on the same page as your partner so you can have the mose fun.

Believing that “good” and “bad” are absolutes

Fear has no place in the bedroom. Sex is supposed to be about having a good time — not worrying about your prowess. Start by finding a partner you feel comfortable with, and go from there.

Not staying sober

It sounds like you’re using booze to overcome an overactive brain and relax and live in the moment. If you can have sex drunk, you can (and should!) have sex sober. If you bring someone home after a heavy night of drinking, try waiting until morning to actually sleep together.

Thinking that certain positions are “right” or “wrong”

There’s nothing wrong with liking a position! As for what to do, practice makes perfect. Try moving your legs, or slightly varying the angles, so that you figure out what feels best. If it feels good, you’re doing it right.

Not trusting your partner

You should never assume the worst with a new partner. But you also need to trust yourself to be open with someone. If you can’t even get started, take a look at what’s holding you back.

Letting an ex haunt you

You can’t let the experiences of the past define how you move forward. We all have bad exes, and they’re exes for a reason. Whether someone said something hurtful or you’re interpreting a vibe, that’s old baggage. A good relationship gives you confidence — but you have to find it in yourself first.

Not asking questions

Talk to your partner about your worries. If you don’t think you’re good at foreplay, ask your partner what they like while you’re doing it. The more you communicate, the more secure you should feel in your relationship. Then, if you’re still worried someone is going to leave you, take a step back and see where the problems might really lie.  Your partner should make you feel like there’s no such thing as someone better, but you need to believe that, too.

Picking the wrong people

The reality here is, you’re having one night stands because you’re having one night stands. Not because you’re bad at sex, not because you’re ugly but because the people you meet are looking for one night stands. If you want a longer commitment or a repeat encounter, you have to find a new way of meeting people. There’s nothing wrong with a one-nighter, but if you’re going home with someone right away, make sure that your intentions are aligned. Nine times out of 10, someone you meet in a bar isn’t thinking beyond that night.

Fearing opportunities for experience

If you feel insecure in bed, a friends with benefits relationship is tailor-made for practicing sex. It’s like having a squash partner, you’re both trying to improve your game. And the benefit of a one night stand is that it doesn’t matter: if the sex is bad, you’re never going to see that person again. (Plus, everyone has off days, so don’t take it to heart if it is bad.)

Missing out on the butterflies

If a new relationship is going well, your partner’s not going to think you’re bad in bed. Age and experience are irrelevant. This is the time to enjoy being smitten with a new person – and to let that spill over into the bedroom. If you’re into each other, the sex is going to be great (and hopefully, get even better with time).

Whether you’re loving the single life or living with a long-term partner, it’s not unusual to feel insecure in bed. But with a little confidence and communication, you can overcome any insecurity.

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