Lindsay Burgess
Updated Dec 18, 2016 @ 11:19 am
Advertisement
shutterstock_100465501
Credit: antoniodiaz/Shutterstock

Have you ever felt insecure in bed? Even as the world around us becomes more sex-positive, sex remains a pretty taboo topic. And it’s often that women feel insecure in bed and beat themselves up for things they definitely shouldn’t. Maybe it all starts with sex ed – after all, we know that today’s teens are still frustrated with the way sex is depicted in school. And learning how often sexts get shared is enough to put any digital age dater on edge.

And as millennials find themselves too busy to get busy, it’s easy to see why people might worry about experience. But at the end of the day, most of the reasons why women feel insecure in bed are easy enough to overcome. It all comes down to confidence, communication and knowing yourself.

Overthinking the expectations

04f6992307fe6e998254b23f496a5d32818275-wm.jpg

Let’s take a step back here: what are your expectations? Chances are, your partner doesn’t expect you to be good in bed — they just want to have a good time with you. (And if we’re being honest, they probably want to see you naked, too). Instead of getting caught up in expectations that make you feel insecure in bed, focus on enjoying yourself and the person you’re with.

Feeling scared of certain positions

05412190e62d86087a6ab155563782289b2879-wm.jpg

Real talk: if you’re not into a position, then it’s going to be tough for both of you. And if something doesn’t feel great, it’s time to change it up. (If you’re nervous to make the move yourself, suggest trying a different position — there’s no reason to keep doing something if it’s not working.) Don’t worry about how you look and don’t worry about how it feels for him. Chances are, if you find an angle that feels awesome for you, your partner will follow suit.

Listening to jerks

053190574257741f7df4625d4807d61099d99f-wm.jpg

First things first: dump the partner who says things like this to you. Cruel comments can make you feel insecure in bed, but chances are, a partner who blames bad sex on you isn’t willing to make the effort —not in bed, and not in the relationship. Sex is a team sport; you win together, and you lose together. Find a partner who treats you like an equal. (And takes equal responsibility for bedtime.)

Not speaking up

052627ef7fc827db6e7f28e80c9251574e56a9-wm.jpg

Without getting too clinical — you totally deserve to give and get feedback. And sure, it goes a lot better when you focus on the good. But once you feel more confident with someone, you can discuss constructive ideas, too. Keep it positive — mention what feels best, or how a different angle might intensify things for you. “We should totally try…” is a handy phrase in this situation.

Not educating yourself

052b262f3066a3f3eac575ec31ff8c2a4d31b5-wm.jpg

As a general rule, porn is as unrealistic as sex on TV. It’s made to look good, not to feel good. That said, there is instructional porn if you’re comfortable with watching that kind of thing. And it’s totally okay if you’re not! But know that the information is out there: think talking to your BFF, internet forums, advice columns, podcasts, even research papers on the science of the female orgasm. If you want to know more, you can educate yourself.

Not being body positive

050378943332338952833f2f55a68cd550c036-wm.jpg

Girl, dial it back a minute. You have the right to feel sexy as hell in any body. If this guy is into you, at least part of that is because something about you turns him on and that’s what matters. It’s time to stop worrying about how someone else sees you and embrace your shape.

Thinking that quantity beats quality

0529b2d114c369ae18b61b46b0949b52ef4d33-wm.jpg

This way of thinking is a vicious circle: if you’re worried about being bad in bed, it’s going to be on your mind when you hit the sheets. Then that uncertainty will shape your next experience — and the memory of it. The loop will keep on repeating itself and you’ll feel insecure in bed until you break the cycle. Allow yourself to be selfish. Focus on what feels good to you, and the rest will follow.

Living in your head

0534dfe6a9eafaa82ff872e213f09a8244dde2-wm.jpg

To put it in the most basic terms: a guy’s not gonna stick around if he’s not into you (and the sex). The fact that he’s coming back for more means that you’re doing something right. But if you’re worried about the sex, talk about it. A decent partner will be willing to help you feel more secure.

When you’re not finding the right partners

0537f367be4361f1b0daf7ee742b995fc70cdf-wm.jpg

There are two sides to getting better in bed: figuring out what feels best for you, and learning what feels good for your partner. If you’re open-minded enough to want to improve in bed, let’s assume you’re not “bad” — you’re just running into communication issues. Anyone who’s not willing to communicate with you (about what they like or what they’d like better) just isn’t worth your time. Keep learning what works for you until you find a partner willing to communicate.

Having trouble expressing yourself

0541280cd51ec689100b633f1a49286711de5a-wm.jpg

As with anything, start off small. If something feels good, say so. Once you get more comfortable with sharing what you like, it gets easier to express yourself and what you want.

Not being true to yourself

051b44100cf7e9564713da25a533ae581872e3-wm.jpg

The first thing you need to do here is get to know your sexual orientation. If you’re more into sexy time with the ladies, maybe the answer is focusing your romantic energy there. If it’s just that you’re more confident with women, that makes sense too. After all, you know what you like. Follow your heart — or your libido, as the case may be — and have fun.

Being unsure of what you like

051e9274670f987e644db4d95d94a74d886ad4-wm.jpg

Hold the phone… If you’re not enjoying yourself, there’s a bigger problem than just feeling insecure in bed. It could be that you’re not a sexual person, and that’s totally okay. Figure out what turns you on and what feels good for you by spending some “time alone” (or with a partner willing to play along).

Not being with someone who “gets” you

04f7fc8bd5cec77070154f219b40f035814e4b-wm.jpg

If you like it rough, you’re in good company — you just need to find one of the many others out there who feel the same way. And they are out there, for sure. Everyone has a different idea of what “rough” really means, and you need to make sure you’re on the same page as your partner so you can have the mose fun.

Believing that “good” and “bad” are absolutes

04f7efe62f0ad39296835c6597430daf201d17-wm.jpg

Fear has no place in the bedroom. Sex is supposed to be about having a good time — not worrying about your prowess. Start by finding a partner you feel comfortable with, and go from there.

Not staying sober

04fc942f28e468411048be6f06e70670015077-wm.jpg

It sounds like you’re using booze to overcome an overactive brain and relax and live in the moment. If you can have sex drunk, you can (and should!) have sex sober. If you bring someone home after a heavy night of drinking, try waiting until morning to actually sleep together.

Thinking that certain positions are “right” or “wrong”

04e3612215e127347276d9ca421e337025374.jpg

There’s nothing wrong with liking a position! As for what to do, practice makes perfect. Try moving your legs, or slightly varying the angles, so that you figure out what feels best. If it feels good, you’re doing it right.

Not trusting your partner

051c0327f0a3421147545d7c772cb5af82b496-wm.jpg

You should never assume the worst with a new partner. But you also need to trust yourself to be open with someone. If you can’t even get started, take a look at what’s holding you back.

Letting an ex haunt you

053fa4921ac62a7d815dfa739a96eb7644334e-wm.jpg

You can’t let the experiences of the past define how you move forward. We all have bad exes, and they’re exes for a reason. Whether someone said something hurtful or you’re interpreting a vibe, that’s old baggage. A good relationship gives you confidence — but you have to find it in yourself first.

Not asking questions

05334c6a5729aeb72b6410bff698fd103eb05e-wm.jpg

Talk to your partner about your worries. If you don’t think you’re good at foreplay, ask your partner what they like while you’re doing it. The more you communicate, the more secure you should feel in your relationship. Then, if you’re still worried someone is going to leave you, take a step back and see where the problems might really lie. Your partner should make you feel like there’s no such thing as someone better, but you need to believe that, too.

Picking the wrong people

052ed824d04e255460f8ef54532bc210450b36-wm.jpg

The reality here is, you’re having one night stands because you’re having one night stands. Not because you’re bad at sex, not because you’re ugly but because the people you meet are looking for one night stands. If you want a longer commitment or a repeat encounter, you have to find a new way of meeting people. There’s nothing wrong with a one-nighter, but if you’re going home with someone right away, make sure that your intentions are aligned. Nine times out of 10, someone you meet in a bar isn’t thinking beyond that night.

Fearing opportunities for experience

052062153ffeef4a8f89f21f36654a0f71520b-wm.jpg

If you feel insecure in bed, a friends with benefits relationship is tailor-made for practicing sex. It’s like having a squash partner, you’re both trying to improve your game. And the benefit of a one night stand is that it doesn’t matter: if the sex is bad, you’re never going to see that person again. (Plus, everyone has off days, so don’t take it to heart if it is bad.)

Missing out on the butterflies

0536b4dfdfd7e802be1ae42c48914ada334a4f-wm.jpg

If a new relationship is going well, your partner’s not going to think you’re bad in bed. Age and experience are irrelevant. This is the time to enjoy being smitten with a new person – and to let that spill over into the bedroom. If you’re into each other, the sex is going to be great (and hopefully, get even better with time).

Whether you’re loving the single life or living with a long-term partner, it’s not unusual to feel insecure in bed. But with a little confidence and communication, you can overcome any insecurity.