If you’re a person who has engaged in the human behavior known as sex, you’ve more than likely had at least one hook-up that was more awkward than alluring. Movies try to trick us into believing that doin’ the deed is always going to be some super sexy, romance novel-type of experience, but in the real world, things involving naked bodies don’t always go as smoothly as planned.
From rogue tampons to unsuccessful S&M, 12 brave souls share their most humiliating sexual experiences.
1. A forgotten friend
“After a particularly vigorous experience, we couldn’t find the condom. We searched everywhere, tore the bedding off, etc. Finally we gave up and he went to the bathroom. Suddenly I got an idea and found it…still inside of me.”
2. Dominatrix fail
“I was in a long-distance relationship for a while, and whenever we’d end up in the same city, we’d try to make up for lost time. This led to us trying to fulfill a lot of unrealistic sexts, which once led to me tying him to my radiator with some ribbon. Let’s just say I’m not the best dominatrix, and it was basically the Zooey Deschanel/Justin Long sex scene from New Girl. We also learned he was not so into being slapped across the face.”
3. Not a cat person
“I’m allergic to cats. A lot of the people I’ve slept with have had cats. I haven’t been able to breathe through my nose while having sex with those people.”
4. Considerate stain removal
“One of the first times I slept with my current partner, I woke up the next morning and discovered I’d gotten my period early — heavy flow. I’d completely bled through my sweatpants, so I laughed it off then went to the bathroom to try and fix what was going on. I came back to find my partner trying to spot-clean some blood off my sheets so I ‘wouldn’t feel bad.’ What a keeper!”
5. Makeshift blindfold
“In college, my then-boyfriend decided to try combining several tips he read on the Internet — blindfolding, unexpected sex and just-after-waking-up sex. He intended it to be hot for me, but he was quite tired, so this led to him setting an alarm, waking up, throwing a T-shirt over my face, and jumping on top of me (this is what I WOKE UP TO). I took off the T-shirt and kind of sleepily blurted out “Whaddryoudoing?!?” and he sheepishly said “I don’t know,” then he laid back down and we both fell asleep. I tried mentioning it the next morning and he said, ‘Please. . . please. Never speak of that again.’ So we didn’t.”
6. A run-in with the cops
“Once upon a time when I was much more adventurous than now, I decided it was a good idea to have one-night-stand sex in a semi-public place at night, a.k.a. trespassing into a closed outdoor area that served as a flea market during the day. Yes, great idea, what could possibly go wrong? While we were in the middle of the dirty deed with our pants down in an admittedly very creepy, dark, and probably really dirty place, a bright light shined in our faces.
It was a cop.
For some reason, neither of us moved nor tried to pull our clothes on. We just stood there, half naked, frozen like deer in headlights. After what seemed like an eternity, the cop finally said, ‘Young people, please.’ Though it was dark and I couldn’t see him, I could feel him rolling his eyes to the back of his head. The tone of his words made me think that this was not the first time he had walked in on some awkward dark corner sex during his shift. The light didn’t move it stayed on us until we pulled our clothes back on.
‘Sorry, sir,’ we murmured as we shuffled past him.”
7. More than a little too soon
“There was a guy with a feather earring who came in his pants while he kissed me goodnight.”
8. Let it rip
“A girl aggressively farted in my face as she came while I was downtown.”
9. Burger fetish
“One time a short guy from Dallas asked me to wear a finger-cot and poke him in the butt while I said ‘cheeseburger’ really slow and sultry.”
10. The mysterious stench
“I was hooking up with my boyfriend and seeing this other dude on the side and I was like, ‘OMG my body is so weird, I’m like spotting ALL THE TIME.’ So I lived with it for a while, at least a month or two, and then decided to go to Planned Parenthood to see WTF was up with my ladybits. The nurse tech puts the speculum in there, and then starts going ‘Ew! EWWWW! EWWWWWWWWWW!!!!’ and pulls out a rotten old tampon out of me. I have no idea when it got stuck up there. But I do know all sorts of dicks and mouths and stuff were getting close to that rotten thing.”
11. Determined, yet sleepy
“The I was dating this guy in college who would get stupidly drunk. He didn’t really know his limits, TBH. The one night, he came back from a party and came on to me. I should have assumed it would be a bad idea, but he seemed like he *really* wanted me, and it was the beginning of our relationship when everything was all exciting. He was too drunk to get hard, and when I told him that maybe we should just save it for the morning, he insisted that no, no, he could DO THIS, and tried getting himself going with his hand…only to promptly fall asleep and immediately start snoring, penis in hand. It was embarrassing for all parties. Well, maybe just me, because I don’t think he remembers it.”
12. An inopportune lecture
“I was having sex with this guy who had programmed a specific iTunes playlist. Right when I was about to orgasm, it shuffled to some sort of serious lecture by a scientist. It totally killed the mood and I lost my cue to come.”