Caralynn Lippo
July 26, 2016 4:32 pm
Shutterstock

Breakups are rough. Even when there isn’t really a bad guy involved and the two former partners “consciously uncouple” amicably, it’s rarely a good time. Unfortunately, sometimes (despite your better judgement) you’ll date a real winner — like this Prince Charming who gifted his ex a breakup blender.

I know what you’re thinking: What actual human man would think that sending a fancy blender to his ex-girlfriend, almost immediately post-breakup, would ensure that you manage to escape the situation looking like a hero?

Allow the scorned girlfriend’s absolutely hilarious Craigslist ad (titled “Wanna put my tender heart in a blender” LOL, Eve 6, lookin’ at you! But also :/ ) selling said blender to further enlighten you on the situation.

Craigslist

The ad, written in the second person, opens with a simple warning: “Never date a corporate lawyer.” Okay, simple enough. Probably not all corporate lawyers make bad romantic partners, but this one did, apparently.  The ad proceeds to tell the sordid tale of the awful, disastrous relationship from the beginning. After the initial ghosting because he “was looking for something specific” (?!?!), the two somehow reunited (sketchy AF, dude) and proceeded to fall in love and date.

Craigslist

“You spend a fortune on dates and don’t care. He makes three times as much as you, but you want to prove you’re not after his money.”

Oh, girl. Internet hugs of solidarity.

The two proceed to be (apparently) happy and in love for an undisclosed period of time, until they watch a movie “about the futility of monogamy” and he suddenly gets twitchy about commitment.

“The guy who asked to meet your family after you said it would be okay to wait, because commitment can be scary, is now scared of commitment. You imagine your brother and dad, who only met one other boyfriend and hated him, discussing this the way people discuss natural disasters. ‘A damn shame. Now a whole different penis will have to enter her.’”

OMG. This whole situation sucks, but at the very least, this chick has an ~amazing~ writing sample for the inevitable MFA in Creative Writing she’ll get (if she hasn’t already) because this is amazing.

Post-movie debacle, girlfriend senses a shift in the relationship-force. Her formerly charming BF seems “less cute and more boring.” He confesses that sometimes, he wants to leave her and even doubts that she’s attractive (…DUDE).

After a period of *uber-awkwardness*, the Craigslist hero finally breaks up with her boyfriend, recognizing that he wanted to end it but was waiting for her to do it instead. Ugh. Cowardly. Days later (the day after her BIRTHDAY, double ugh), the Vitamix shows up. She briefly thinks it might be a reconciliation attempt, but nope.

“He does not understand the human species. Who buys someone they’re dumping a Vitamix? He wants to be the hero of this story: ‘I got this girl an epic birthday gift and then we broke up.’ He wants me to remember him fondly.”

She briefly considers dramatically smashing the blender in the street but thinks better of it — this is a Vitamix, after all. The particular model that jerk ex bought for her retails for over $449. Don’t get mad and don’t get even; get $400 for an unused blender on ex’s dime instead.

The moral of the story? Hell hath no fury like a scorned woman with a Craigslist account.

Advertisement