Is everything okay? You disappeared last night. Please just text me or something and let me you are fine. Don’t really understand what’s going on with you, but I would love to confirm that you are still living.

Thought I saw you after work a couple of days ago, but then I started watching my DVR’d fourth hour of the Today Show and I guess you left. I really wanted to hang out. I know we’re having trouble communicating, I get that, but I think we just need to accept a few days of awkwardness and discomfort as we attempt to settle back into a partnership. Just kind of “take the hit” of reestablishment, you know. It’s going to be bumpy, but we probably need a little jolt.

Also, I’m sorry if this offends, but I’m worried about you- about your weight. You’re getting too thin. As you shrink, my thighs gradually expand and the number of innocent objects my protruding stomach bumps into continually rises. You are refusing nourishment, and my physical body is gobbling up your untouched leftovers. Seriously, this is ridiculous. We’re supposed to be a team. They say there’s no “I” in “team”, but clearly there is “eat”. There is also “meat” but we are vegetarians. Or at least we were. I have had some bites of chicken since our troubles started. One night I accidentally ate veal dumplings. Veal. Dumplings. You drove me to saw off my arm instead of tearing off the band-aid on my shoulder.

After graduation a couple months ago, you said we were going to take a trip together. You know, spend time relaxing and enjoying each other’s company. I was excited. Honestly, I thought it would be fun. We needed to get away. But then you bailed. Look, if you didn’t want to go, I would have been disappointed, but at least I could have prepared. You left me at the altar.

I knew we were having problems when we wrote those jokes on Twitter and ended up offending Paul Schaffer. I promised myself I would never do that. Also, what is up with the swearing? All you want to do is curse in our work. Where did this from? You have changed.

I thought we were really going places. People liked us, we liked each other. I don’t think anyone hated us. These are all great things. I don’t know what happened. This coconut milk ice cream knows me better than you ever did. And I really hate that. Starbucks is SO lonely without you. I am very skilled at pretending you are there so people don’t feel sorry for me, but I am actually only seriously searching the Pets section on Craigslist. If I get a dog, will you come back? If I take on a lot of responsibility I cannot handle maybe you will be forced to resurface and save me from myself? Are there dogs that don’t poop? Come back.

Your love is my drug.

P.S. Literally all dogs poop, damnit.

Rachel Kaplan is a nice comedy person in Los Angeles. Follow her on Twitter. Please, she needs this.